The Elephant in the Room

During our 10 weeks at the coping centre for bereaved parents group we sat and talked about our child, our feelings, our fears, our sadness and alot of other things that only this group allowed us to talk about. Going to this group made us feel less alienated as bereaved parents because we found we were not the only ones in the world who had lost a child. Being a bereaved parent puts you in a different world than everyone else, a world that once you are in you can never come out of. And no one understands this world unless they too are a part of it. We shared and listened among 5 other families who lost their precious children. One of the things we all had in common and had to deal with among our outside world of family and friends is people are "afraid" to talk about our child. They are afraid to mention her name or speak of her for fear of upsetting us and making us cry, when little do they already know we are already upset and crying, little do they know that this is now our new life and that it is a daily part of us. It changes nothing, and sometimes if her name is mentioned we might cry out of happiness that someone is remembering her. We want to hear her name, we want people to talk about her or tell a story of her, we want people to talk as though she still exists....because we think she does. Hearing her name is like a beautiful song to my ears. It turns out that people dont speak of your child because its a fear they have of seeing you cry, because they cant imagine your life and they put themselves in your shoes for a minute and want to take them off. They react as they would feel in your situation. Little do they know that it makes them uncomfortable and not us!This is my life, my new life is crying when I wake up because I want to keep dreaming about Keely, my life is throwing things around because I am angry that I can no longer hold my daughter, my new life is tears and crying because I want my daughter back and theres nothing I can do about it! This is my life, it is remembering, talking and everyday fear of forgetting I am going to forget her touch, smell,smile or the feel of her head resting on my shoulder. Please remember my daughter and please speak of her.............
This is a poem we received from our group at the Coping Centre on speaking of our child............

There's and Elephant in the room.
It is large and squatting, so it is hard to get around it.
Yet we squeeze by with "How are you?" and "I'm Fine"....
And a thousand of trivial chatter.
We talk about the weather.
We talk about work.
We talk about everything else....
Except for the elephant in the room.

Theres and elephant in the room. We all know it is there.
We are thinking about the elephant as we talk.
It is constantly on our minds.
For you see, it is A VERY BIG ELEPHANT
But we do not talk about the elephant in the room.

Oh Please say her name.
Oh Please say her name again.
Oh Please lets talk about the elephant in the room.
For if we talk about her death
Perhaps we can talk about her life.

Can I say her name and not have to look away?

For if I cannot, you are leaving me

Alone....in a room....

With an Elephant


Love you my little Elephant xoxo Mommy

Dreams of You

I had a dream of Keely lastnight. These dreams of her come few and far between. I have no clue and no understanding why? Most times when I think of something right before bed or during the day I dream of it. But I only dream of Keely once in a while. When I do their very vivid and usually very short. Lastnight I dreamt of her and it was like she had once died but came back to us again but we still knew that she was only here for a short time. We were getting more time with her after she had already left this world once. I remember holding her and everybody was playing with her. She was so happy and smiling just as she was when she was here before. In my dream I could still see her sense of humor that she had that everybody loved and it was still there. Just as she was with us in my dream she was the centre of attention. I felt so happy in my dream I was smiling and felt like my old self again. We looked at each other like we knew we hadn't seen each other in a long time and I could tell that she missed me just as much as I missed her.I held her and I didnt let her go because I knew that she was going to die again in my dream. I remember those vivid parts and particularly the way I felt and the way she looked. Most of the details always go away when I wake up :( For a while when I awoke I felt so happy to see her in my dream and felt so happy that she seemed happy. Then sure enough the happiness was only there for a brief moment and then I felt again like she had been ripped from my arms. I then felt sad and cried because I felt so close to her just like I use to then the reality of it all hit that shes not here, that it was just a DREAM. I love dreaming about her and I love seeing her in my dreams but I hate waking up. I hate waking up and facing reality. I woke up and felt like she died all over again. Those moments I dream of her I get to hold her, I get to kiss her and I can even smell her.....its as close to reality as I will ever get with her....imagine that only being able to see your child in your dreams and you dont even get to choose when it happens. I have my dreams and I have my memories and I will always cherish those but the feeling of not having her is unbearable. When I close my eyes I can see her and get the most vivid imagination of her but only at certain times will that allow me to.
See you in my dreams pumpkin xoxo
Love you forever and always your Mommy

My "Normal"

Normal is having tears waiting behind every smile when you realize someone important is missing from all the important events in your family's life.

... Normal for me is trying to decide what to take to the cemetery for Birthdays Christmas,New Years, Valentine's Day,and Easter.

Normal is feeling like you know how to act and are more comfortable with a funeral than a wedding or birthday party...yet feeling a stab of pain in your heart when you smell the flowers and see the casket.

Normal is feeling like you can't sit another minute without getting up and screaming, because you just don't like to sit through anything.

Normal is not sleeping very well because a thousand what if's & why didn't I's go through your head constantly.

Normal is reliving that day continuously through your eyes and mind, holding your head to make it go away.

Normal is having the TV on the minute I walk into the house to have noise, because the silence is deafening.

Normal is staring at every child who looks like she is my child's age. And then thinking of the age she would be now and not being able to imagine it. Then wondering why it is even important to imagine it, because it will never happen.

Normal is every happy event in my life always being backed up with sadness lurking close behind, because of the hole in my heart.

Normal is telling the story of your child's death as if it were an everyday, commonplace activity, and then seeing the horror in someone's eyes at how awful it sounds. And yet realizing it has become a part of my "normal".

Normal is each year coming up with the difficult task of how to honor your child's memory and her birthday and survive these days. And trying to find the balloon or flag that fit's the occasion. Happy Birthday? Not really.

Normal is my heart warming and yet sinking at the sight of something special my child loved. Thinking how she would love it, but how she is not here to enjoy it.

Normal is having some people afraid to mention my child.

Normal is making sure that others remember her.

Normal is after the funeral is over everyone else goes on with their lives, but we continue to grieve our loss forever.

Normal is weeks, months, and years after the initial shock, the grieving gets worse sometimes, not better.

Normal is not listening to people compare anything in their life to this loss, unless they too have lost a child. NOTHING. Even if your child is in the remotest part of the earth away from you - it doesn't compare. Losing a parent is horrible, but having to bury your own child is unnatural.

Normal is taking pills, and trying not to cry all day, because I know my mental health depends on it.

Normal is realizing I do cry everyday.

Normal is disliking jokes about death or funerals, bodies being referred to as cadavers, when you know they were once someone's loved one.

Normal is being impatient with everything and everyone, but someone stricken with grief over the loss of your child.

Normal is a new friendship with another grieving mother, talking and crying together over our children and our new lives.

Normal is not listening to people make excuses for God. "God may have done this because..." I love God, I know that my child is in heaven, but hearing people trying to think up excuses as to why healthy children were taken from this earth is not appreciated and makes absolutely no sense to this grieving mother.

Normal is being too tired to care if you paid the bills, cleaned the house, did laundry or if there is any food.

Normal is wondering this time whether you are going to say you have two children or one, because you will never see this person again and it is not worth explaining that my child is in heaven. And yet when you say you have one child to avoid that problem, you feel horrible as if you have betrayed your child.

Normal is avoiding McDonald's and Burger King playgrounds because of small, happy children that break your heart when you see them.

Normal is asking God why he took your child's life instead of yours and asking if there even is a God.

Normal is knowing I will never get over this loss, in a day or a million years.

And last of all, Normal is hiding all the things that have become "normal" for you to feel, so that everyone around you will think that you are "normal".†

23 Months

Yesterday (November 14th) Keely would have turned 23 Months old. One whole month away from her 2nd Birthday. Five entire months we've had to be without her, five entire months since ive held, kissed, hugged, smelled and really truly smiled from the inside. Having her enrich our lives was amazing, now having to live without her now is painful. The day I found out she was here as only an angel is when I really started to see the angel inside her. Every mother is partial to their baby but Keely was really special and presented many gifts to us and those around her. I want time to slow down so I dont feel so far away from June 30th. I want time to slow down as badly as I want it to jump ahead. It was a tug of war while she was here just praying at her bedside to keep her here and its a tug of war now wanting time to slow down to stay close and bump ahead so the pain will stop. Its a constant fight like trying to get my heart to tell my head that Keely is gone and why she had to leave. I can still see her smile, I can still see her face and those big beautiful eyes, they way she smells and our big huge hugs. Trying to feel these feelings and sitting closing my eyes remembering gives me pain and makes my heart ache. I wish she was here to turn 23 months and still cannot understand why shes not. I should be seeing her walk, trying to run and trying to put two words together. Instead im looking at pictures, rubbing on her baby lotion and crying while I hug her little clothes while trying to still find her smell. Happy 23 months my baby girl!
Hold and hug your babies tight mommies because there are never enough hugs and kisses to be given.

LOVE AND MISS YOU SOOOO MUCH MY LITTLE BUN BUN! Hugs and Kisses up to heaven. Love Mommy xoxoxo

The 12 Freedoms In Healing In Grief

This is a note we received at our beareaved parents group on our last night (tonight). I've learned nobody can tell me how to grieve, when to grieve and when my grieving should be done. I am on my own grief journey and each journey is unique. There may be some very similar but to all their own "unique". Losing a child cannot be compared to another loss. There are no 10 stages to grief and there is no end to grieving. A childs life lost is unfair and unacceptable. You have to say good-bye when your not done saying hello.
This is something that will help me each day realize and be aware of my emotions and allow myself to be okay with the way I feel. Even though alienated , I cant go around it or over it I have to go through it. Grieving is now a part of my daily routine and everything else has to fight its way through. What people dont realize is losing your child isnt just something that goes away after a few months. You have to now begin a "new normal" after you have already prepared yourself to raise a child. You change from a person you once were into someone you dont even quite know yet. When the "new you" surfaces, it will be a surprise to you and the people around you. Trying to find that new person you are going to be is the challenge.......that is why something like "The 12 Freedoms In Healing In Grief" is important me to and maybe not others. Instead of daily reading like a favorite magazine or book I read grief books and notes on grieving and mourning, trying to figure out how to continue this life and have the outcome be positive. Living a daily life of sadness, hurt and anger for who knows how long scares me. These points below will now be a daily read for me.


I give Myself PERMISSION to realize MY grief is unique.

I have the FREEDOM to talk about MY grief

I have the FREEDOM to expect to feel a MULTITUDE of EMOTIONS

I have the FREEDOM to allow for numbness

I give myself PERMISSION to "Take A Break"

I have the FREEDOM to experience "Grief Attacks" or Memory Embraces

I give myself PERMISSION to continue to develop a support system

I have the FREEDOM to make use of ritual and create traditions

I have the FREEDOM to embrace and explore my spirituality

I have the FREEDOM to search for meaning

I have the FREEDOM to treasure memories

I am FREE to move toward MY grief at my own pace and begin to heal.

Honoring Keely

The entire month of October i found my self with anticipating anxiety leading up to Halloween. Most parents are excited for Halloween to help decide what their child will dress up as. Its the most exciting when its your baby because little chubby babies are always the cutest in a little costume. Without forgetting about our other two little kiddies I found myself sad and almost devestated not being able to shop for Keelys costme. We had her for one halloween and it sure was a memorable one. This year while other mothers were shopping for their babies halloween costume, we were shopping for little toy halloween Ty beanie babies to hand out to all the little ones at McMaster Childrens Hospital in memory of Keely. Holidays and fun yearly events like halloween have left a bitter hole inside me. The unfairness of all of this being taken away from me is something that I have a hard time understanding and coming to terms with. Im sure in time this may soften and the pain may one day be less but for now its raw and its right in front of me like a neon sign. So on halloween I bought all my little animals dressed up in their halloween costumes, tied them with a red ribbon with a tag attached that read "Happy Halloween! In Loving Memory of Keely Louise Hill. December 14, 2009 - June 30th 2011. keelylouise.blogspot.com. I wanted people to realize that this was done in  her memory, that maybe for one parent we were once in a place where they were at on that day and we understand what their going through. Last Halloween was so memorable for us with Keely that we couldnt think of any other place we would have rather been that morning but at the McMaster Childrens Halloween parade. So as we handed each little child a little toy some grabbed it and hugged it and some faces lit up with a smile and it warmed my heart to see such a little toy make a big difference on a sick childs face. Doing that lifted me up for that day and set the tone for a day I had been dreading for an entire month. It really helped that we had 3 of our very near and dear friends with us that day. Heather, Deb and Rose Francis. They were also there last year so we had our little connection that day remembering our little Kitty Kat! Of course we filled up a cute little pumpkin basket filled with full size chocolate bars for the PICU Staff who are also very near and dear to us. As we left the hospital that day my heart felt like it was beating a little faster and it felt a little warmer. It got me through halloween without my little Keely Kat. Coming from a place where I couldnt look at a halloween costume in a sales flyer to having walk by baby costumes in the party store, I did just okay! I had a dream in September that Keely was up walking and running around in her little pig tails of course and she had on this puffy little pumpkin costume. Last year she dressed up as a cat (the cutest cat ever of course), so as I was shopping for our little toys for the hospital there was one little black cat dressed up in a pumpkin costume and when i went to pay for all the toys that came out of the same bin this one particular toy came up costing more, I decided to take it anyways. As I got thinking more and more about it, I though well this got my attention. This toy that cost more and its the exact same items as the others is a cat dressed up in a pumpkin costume. I thought to myself this is my little Bunnser giving her mommy a sign. So of course I kept the Cat and sat it beside our halloween picture from last year sitting on my night stand. Any little thing that reminds me and keeps her near I just gotta take it!
The entire week last week mostly revolved around Keely. We did halloween in honor of her beautiful spirit and memory, Tuesday night we shared beautiful memories of her in our bereaved parents coping group. We took a few of her favorite toys that we played with everyday like her xylophone, her ball, little strawberry shortcake and a book that had sound effects and we cant forget her life size strawberry shortcake balloon that we made dance, that she would hug and that we gave high fives to everyday. We watched our family slideshow with our beautiful family pictures with a song we listened to as she was passing away. It was a beautiful night to remember and also very emotional talking and still wishing she was here. You never think as a parent that you will ever be in a group with other parents talking about a child that once was but is no longer. Only having pictures in a frame, a book or a video and holding sacred all of their precious toys and reminders. Their only things but their her things and all the things that made Keely Keely and all the things I have left of her other than her memory.
We also attended a memorial service for children lost within the past 12 months at Mac. It was very emotional. Prior to the service started we were given her memory box that the hospital made for us. Inside was a lock of her hair, a little bracelet with her name on it done in pink and silver, her percussor, feed schedule, a beautiful card with little notes from all her friends in the PICU and her head gear that attached to her bipap machine. I held her piece of hair in my hand and held it wishing that none of this was true, i squeezed it and held it tight and didnt want to put it back in the box. I was happy to have it but I was sad that all of these memories would from now on be resting in a box. The service lasted close to an hour and i cried during the entire service still in some disbelief that we were even there. Seeing the photos on a slideshow of all the children that were lost made me even more sad knowing that was someones child no longer with them. As Scott said even though Keely is no longer with us our life is still revolving around her and will continue to do so. She will never be forgotten and will never be something that once was. She will always be our little, bright, beautiful baby girl. Weve learned some of lifes greatest lessons through that little girl and shes really showed us what life is all about.
Mommy loves you Bunns xoxo Sending kisses up to heaven on butterfly wings <3

The Dragonfly Story

Lastnight we attended a memorial service for all parents/families who lost children within the past year at McMaster Childrens Hospital. The service lasted about an hour and i cried during the entire service. During the service a few poems, some beautiful words and a very touching story was shared. This is the dragonfly story. For me it gave me a sense of wonderment of having lost Keely and where she is and particularly how she feels not being with us. I sat there and imagined that Keely was the dragonfly in this story and it touched my heart. For a few minutes I was able to let my head tell my heart that everything was okay......

Down below the surface of a quiet pond lived a little colony of water bugs. They were a happy colony, living far away from the sun. For many months they were very busy, scurrying over the soft mud on the bottom of the pond. They did notice that every once in a while one of their colony seemed to lose interest in going about. Clinging to the stem of a pond lily it gradually moved out of sight and was seen no more.
"Look!" Said one of the water bugs to another "One of our colony is climbing up the lily stalk. Where do you think she is going?" Up, up, up it slowly went. Even as they watched, the water bug disappeared from sight. Its friends waited and waited but it never returned.
"Thats funny!" said on water bug to another. "Wasnt she happy here?" asked a second. "Where do you suppose she went?" wondered a third.
No one had an answer. They were greatly puzzled. Finally one of the water bugs, a leader in the colony, gathered its friends together. "I have an idea. The next one of us who climbs up the lily stalk must promise to come back and tell us where he or she went and why."
"We promise", they said solemnly.
One spring day, not long after the very water bug who had suggested the plan found himself climbing up the lily stalk. Up, up, up he went. Before he knew what was happening, he had broken through the surface of the water and fallen onto the broad, green lily pad above.
When he awoke, he looked about with surprise. He couldnt believe what he saw. A startling change had come to his old body. His movement revealed four silver wings and a long tail. Even as he struggled, he felt an impulse to  move his wings. The warmth of the sun soon dried the moisture from the new body. He moved his wings again and suddenly found himself up above the water. He had become a dragonfly!
Swooping and dipping in great curves, he flew through the air. He felt exhilarated in the new atmosphere. THe new dragonfly lighted happily on a lily pad to rest. Then it was that he chanced to look below to the bottom of the pond. Why, he was right above his old friends, the water bugs! There they were scurrying around, just as he had been doing some time before.
The dragonfly remembered the promise: "the next one of us who climbs up the lily stalk will come back and tell wehere he or she went and why." Without thinking, the dragonfly darted down. Suddently he hit the surface of the water and bounced away. Now that he was a dragonfly, he could no longer go into the water.
"I cant return!" he said in dismay. "At least I tried. But cant keep my promise. Even if i could go back, not one of the water bugs would kn ow me in my new body. "I guess i'll just have to wait until they become dragonflies too. Then they'll understand what has happened to me and where I went."
And the dragonfly winged off happily into its wonderful new world of sun and air.


I will grasp at anything that gives me a little bit of comfort knowing where my little Keely Bunns is. Whether it be words, a story or a poem.
XOXO Keely...mommy loves you!