Honoring Keely

The entire month of October i found my self with anticipating anxiety leading up to Halloween. Most parents are excited for Halloween to help decide what their child will dress up as. Its the most exciting when its your baby because little chubby babies are always the cutest in a little costume. Without forgetting about our other two little kiddies I found myself sad and almost devestated not being able to shop for Keelys costme. We had her for one halloween and it sure was a memorable one. This year while other mothers were shopping for their babies halloween costume, we were shopping for little toy halloween Ty beanie babies to hand out to all the little ones at McMaster Childrens Hospital in memory of Keely. Holidays and fun yearly events like halloween have left a bitter hole inside me. The unfairness of all of this being taken away from me is something that I have a hard time understanding and coming to terms with. Im sure in time this may soften and the pain may one day be less but for now its raw and its right in front of me like a neon sign. So on halloween I bought all my little animals dressed up in their halloween costumes, tied them with a red ribbon with a tag attached that read "Happy Halloween! In Loving Memory of Keely Louise Hill. December 14, 2009 - June 30th 2011. keelylouise.blogspot.com. I wanted people to realize that this was done in  her memory, that maybe for one parent we were once in a place where they were at on that day and we understand what their going through. Last Halloween was so memorable for us with Keely that we couldnt think of any other place we would have rather been that morning but at the McMaster Childrens Halloween parade. So as we handed each little child a little toy some grabbed it and hugged it and some faces lit up with a smile and it warmed my heart to see such a little toy make a big difference on a sick childs face. Doing that lifted me up for that day and set the tone for a day I had been dreading for an entire month. It really helped that we had 3 of our very near and dear friends with us that day. Heather, Deb and Rose Francis. They were also there last year so we had our little connection that day remembering our little Kitty Kat! Of course we filled up a cute little pumpkin basket filled with full size chocolate bars for the PICU Staff who are also very near and dear to us. As we left the hospital that day my heart felt like it was beating a little faster and it felt a little warmer. It got me through halloween without my little Keely Kat. Coming from a place where I couldnt look at a halloween costume in a sales flyer to having walk by baby costumes in the party store, I did just okay! I had a dream in September that Keely was up walking and running around in her little pig tails of course and she had on this puffy little pumpkin costume. Last year she dressed up as a cat (the cutest cat ever of course), so as I was shopping for our little toys for the hospital there was one little black cat dressed up in a pumpkin costume and when i went to pay for all the toys that came out of the same bin this one particular toy came up costing more, I decided to take it anyways. As I got thinking more and more about it, I though well this got my attention. This toy that cost more and its the exact same items as the others is a cat dressed up in a pumpkin costume. I thought to myself this is my little Bunnser giving her mommy a sign. So of course I kept the Cat and sat it beside our halloween picture from last year sitting on my night stand. Any little thing that reminds me and keeps her near I just gotta take it!
The entire week last week mostly revolved around Keely. We did halloween in honor of her beautiful spirit and memory, Tuesday night we shared beautiful memories of her in our bereaved parents coping group. We took a few of her favorite toys that we played with everyday like her xylophone, her ball, little strawberry shortcake and a book that had sound effects and we cant forget her life size strawberry shortcake balloon that we made dance, that she would hug and that we gave high fives to everyday. We watched our family slideshow with our beautiful family pictures with a song we listened to as she was passing away. It was a beautiful night to remember and also very emotional talking and still wishing she was here. You never think as a parent that you will ever be in a group with other parents talking about a child that once was but is no longer. Only having pictures in a frame, a book or a video and holding sacred all of their precious toys and reminders. Their only things but their her things and all the things that made Keely Keely and all the things I have left of her other than her memory.
We also attended a memorial service for children lost within the past 12 months at Mac. It was very emotional. Prior to the service started we were given her memory box that the hospital made for us. Inside was a lock of her hair, a little bracelet with her name on it done in pink and silver, her percussor, feed schedule, a beautiful card with little notes from all her friends in the PICU and her head gear that attached to her bipap machine. I held her piece of hair in my hand and held it wishing that none of this was true, i squeezed it and held it tight and didnt want to put it back in the box. I was happy to have it but I was sad that all of these memories would from now on be resting in a box. The service lasted close to an hour and i cried during the entire service still in some disbelief that we were even there. Seeing the photos on a slideshow of all the children that were lost made me even more sad knowing that was someones child no longer with them. As Scott said even though Keely is no longer with us our life is still revolving around her and will continue to do so. She will never be forgotten and will never be something that once was. She will always be our little, bright, beautiful baby girl. Weve learned some of lifes greatest lessons through that little girl and shes really showed us what life is all about.
Mommy loves you Bunns xoxo Sending kisses up to heaven on butterfly wings <3