An Ugly Pair Of Shoes

I am wearing a pair of shoes. They are ugly shoes, uncomfortable shoes, I hate my shoes.
Each day I wear them and each day I wish I had another pair.
Somedays my shoes hurt so bad that I dont think I can take another step.
Yet I continue to wear them. I get funny looks wearing these shoes.
They are looks of sympathy and fear.
I can tell in others eyes that they are glad they are my shoes and not theirs.
They never talk about my shoes.
To learn how awful my shoes are might make them uncomfortable

My shoes represent every parents worst nightmare.
To truly understand these shoes you must walk in them.
But once you put them on, you can never take them off.
I now realize that I am not the only one who wears these shoes.
There are many pairs in the world.
Some women are like me and ache daily as they try to walk in them.
Some have learned how to walk in them so they dont hurt quite as much.
Some have worn the shoes so long that days will go by before they think of how much they hurt.
No woman deserves to wear these shoes.
Yet, because of the shoes I am a stronger woman.
These shoes have given me the strength to face anything yet they have also broken me.
They have made me who I am.
I will forever walk in the shoes of a woman who has lost a child!




~ Author Unknown

Painful Tears

Its been 3 weeks long since our precious Keelys been gone. It feels like a year has passed that we lost her and instead of the pain easing it gets stronger everyday I have to live without her. My tears have become painful. I've cried before and have had many tears fall in this lifetime, but the tears that fall when you lose a child is like nothing else. These tears dont just well up in my eyes and cradle my eye lids and sit for moments before they fall, they fall one after one down my face like a syncronized raindrop dripping off an umbrella. I can hear them drip when they fall onto the table, onto a picture of you or right onto my pillow. They are unstoppable tears that coincide with my unstoppable pain. I sometimes feel like I need to catch them because they are all a part of Keely and that they need to be saved and cherished. Or are they falling so hard and so fast because its the only way I can release any pain from my body? It just goes along with all the questions that no one can answer for me. I so badly want to feel all the comfort for where you are now and that you can run, jump and play. When I think of you doing those things its brings a slight smile to my face and even sometimes happy tears but it only lasts for a little while until I picture you running to me and jumping and smiling with your little pigtails bouncing and then i just simply miss you and want you. No matter how positive I try to think about the reality of it all the pain always comes back. I miss my massages I used to get from you when I laid my head beside you and you rubbed my face, I miss laying beside you and you couldnt fall asleep until I held your hand and let you feel my breathe on your face, picking you up and dancing and humming a song and seeing your beautiful smile and bringing you out of your bedroom in the morning while I marched and sang The ants go marching in every single morning! All of those things are gone for me and all I can do is think of them and its still not the same. Our house feels empty without you here and every single one of us feel it. I just keep wishing im going to hear one of your little yelps as I turn to walk out of your bedroom but all i can hear is silence. For some reason when you were here and I sit here and think it seemed like everything in the house flowed or moved in some way or maybe just seemed brighter. Now I sit at the kitchen table and look around and everything seems so dark and still. Your balloons hanging in your corner have lost their air and sit at the bottom of the floor, the flowers on the mantel have all died and theres no movement even with us all here. Caring for Keely was the easiest part of everything its the living without her thats the toughest. Some days I feel numb and have to reconvince myself that you are really gone and never coming back and most days you are just gone and I can feel every sense of it. Today was another hurtful, painful, tearful day. As soon as i opened my eyes I could feel you gone and my stomach could too. Its like my breathes being taken away and a part of my stomach goes along with it as im telling myself over and over in my head my babys gone and shes never coming back. The only thing that eases this pain a little bit is crying those unstoppable tears and talking about how much I miss you and how things are so unfair. As I sit and tell Daddy how unfair it is for us to have you, me actually carry you for 9 months, give birth, care and love you unconditionally and just for you to be taken from us is so UNFAIR! After a few hours of crying and realizing that hasnt brought you back we go for a walk up to daddy work and talk about you some more. On our way back we talked about you some more and notice all the little baby monarch butterflys flying around, it made me smile. I kept noticing all these little tiny dark pink flowers no bigger than the end of an eraser each with 5 little petals, I kept seeing them and then I start noticing different white flowers and light purple. I kept seeing the tiny pink ones and they reminded me of you each time I seen one so I picked one, and in the meantime daddy picked a white one that looked like a tiny umbrella, then a little white daisy. It was the smallest little bouquet I had ever seen no bigger than the palm of my hand, so fragile and small but yet still so beautiful and it reminded me of YOU! After our walk and our talk we went back in the house and I laid that little bouquet at the head on your already made bed, I said outloud "mommy and daddy picked you some flowers baby girl, we love you and miss you"! I miss every little thing about my baby girl and wishes I could turn back time just to touch and feel her once more. Life is not the same for any of us as we walk this journey without her now. The jouney was much more meaningful with her here and my smiles have been replaced with painful tears. Mommy misses you Keely every single minute of every single day xoxoxo

2 Weeks An Angel

Two weeks ago today we said goodbye as you fell asleep in our arms one last time. Two weeks without you feels like a year has passed. I have a pain I have never felt in my life. There is a piece of me gone and its unfixable and untreatable. The only thing that eases this pain just a little is crying for a few hours and talking about all the things I miss about you and by then im ready to go to sleep and try and dream about you. I look at your pictures and all I want to do is reach into them and touch you or hold you but I cant. I watch your videos and want to grab you and kiss and hug you as your smiling and talking but I cant do that either. All I can do is cry and scream because i cant touch or feel you. Its the worst pain in the world to have had you by my side able to touch and feel you whenever I wanted and then to have that all taken away. My heart is absoutely broken in one million pieces and it is very painful. Its selfish of me to want you back here so that I can take care of you and see your smiling face and beautiful eyes. You were growing so tired and your little lungs just couldnt keep up with the fight that you still had left inside. The day before you died you were the happiest little girl dancing, singing, talking, smiling and all of a sudden SMA took over and took you away from me. I knew I wouldnt ever be ready but I couldnt see it coming. I know your happy where you are, we have seen the signs. From the butterfly leaving the hospital that day, the butterfly at the grave as they were lowering you into the ground, the butterfly on daddys shoulder the morning after we laid you to rest and the Strawberry Shortcake balloon Daddy found on the ground in the front yard. We have seen them and they have brought us comfort for brief periods. Nothing takes away the longing for wanting you here. I try to figure out how I am going to live my life without you and be "okay" one day. I dont see it or feel it. Its hard to be home and your not here, I cant sit in our living room because I cant see you in your spot, I cant watch TV because theres to many things that remind me of you, when I go in your room I cry because I cant see you in your bed. Its all just so unfair how someone that made our life so complete and happy has just been taken from us and now we have to try and live life without you. I know these past 2 weeks you are being the little girl you were never allowed to be and that makes me feel a sense of happiness for you but I also want to see it and I cant. The 2 weeks ive had to live without you have been the most painful 2 weeks of my life. My life revolved around yours and I still cant stop it from revolving. I wake up thinking about you, there isnt a minute that goes by that I dont think of you throughout the day, I think about you as I lay in bed at night, when I turn over in the night and back to when I wake up again. There is a huge piece of my heart missing and I hope I can fill it with all your beautiful memories and keep them close forever, its all i have left to do. You were the most beautiful baby ever and I miss your beautiful face. Everyone has the same story about you and how you touched their life. I miss the love we shared as mother and daughter. You made me feel like the most important person in the world because we needed each other so much and I could always tell by the look on your face when I walked into the room that I was loved. Each day that passes doesnt get easier, its gets harder to face another day without you and instead of feeling one day closer to you I feel that much further away from you. I miss you so much Keely and dont know how im doing this each day without you. All I know is im going to bed and waking up each day. Mommy loves you like nobody knows......Sweet Dreams

Our Little Girl

Our little girl has left us
And now her spirits free
Just like a little butterfly
Shes flown away from me
Just where shes gone I do not know
But what shes left behind
I'll treasure til my final days
In the archives of my mind
Her contribution touch the hearts
Of many whom she met
In a special unique way
A way they cant forget
Our dear Keely, who came to us
To teach us how to love
Has done her task so off shes gone
Back to her place above
I feel so sad that she is gone
But feel relieved as well
Shes free from her helpless cocoon
As far as I can tell
I give my thanks for what she brought
Ive grown alot since then
And may this heartache slowly die
And let me live again

Keelys Obituary ~ December 14th 2009 - June 30th 2011

Peacefully in her Mommy & Daddy’s arms Keely ended her battle with Spinal Muscular Atrophy Type 1. Left to cherish all her beautiful memories are her Mommy Tammy Point & Daddy Scott Miles-Hill, Big Sister Shaely and Big Brothers Austin and Jordan. Grandparents Valinda Point, Don & Louise Hill, Papa Robert Point and predeceased by Nana Vivien Point who will take care of her in Heaven. Keely’s Aunties and Uncles who will miss her dearly, Nicki, Alisha & Darrell, Becky & Ronnie, Craig & Hayli, Kyle, Kristine & Ed, Miles & Pam, Lori & Richard & many great aunts & uncles. Keely will also be sadly missed by all her many cousins who loved her so much. Keely was greatly cared for and loved so much by our family at the McMaster Children’s Hospital in the Pediatric Critical Care Unit and will be truly missed by all along with her home care nurses Leah, Melissa & Amanda. Keely will be resting at her home at 7493C Indian Line Road. Visitations will be held on Friday July 1^st at 7:00pm & Saturday July 2^nd at 6:00pm with funeral to be held at her home on Sunday July 3^rd at 10:00am with burial to follow to Stoneridge Church.

We now have our very own angel to watch over and protect us as she runs free.

Good-Bye Baby Girl

 In the peacefulness of our hopsital room on one of the most beautiful days of the summer our sweet, beautiful baby girl took her last breathe in the arms of her daddy and I on Thursday June 30th. She closed her eyes and fell asleep for the very last time and squeezed my hand as she did so. Our hearts filled with sadness and I think I heard mine break as she left her beautiful little body to go back to our Creator. She went back to tell him how great of a Mommy & Daddy we were to her even in the most trying times. We fought right along side Keely as she battled SMA and we didnt stop until we knew she had no more fight left in her. Many times I begged her to stay as i crawled in her hospital bed beside her and whispered in her ear "Stay with mommy forever Keely, dont ever leave me". But I knew this could only be temporary. On this day I had to hold my baby in my arms and tell her "Its okay to go baby, you can say goodbye to mommy and daddy now, go to sleep". The hardest words I'll ever say in my life came out of my mouth on this day with a face full of tears as she was still fighting to stay. I had to tell her she could go because I had asked her so many times to stay. Its the day ive been dreading for 13 months and the day i visualized in my head many times. She couldnt have left us any more peacefully as she did that day. Our room was so peaceful as we held her in our arms and listened to some music with her that reminded us of her. She was crying just a bit here and there and the music calmed her. How to you ever say goodbye to your child and choose a way for them to die? There is no way. The way I chose was she came into this world and was placed into my arms, took her first breathe, opened her eyes for the first time to look at me and as she was leaving this world she would be placed into my arms again and I would be the last person she sees just before she closes her eyes for the very last time and takes her last breathe. Not everyone gets to choose how their daughter will pass away. Its a double edge sword....She has left us and we are in so much pain and our hearts are forever broken but yet in heaven she is free from SMA. I want her here with me but yet I want to feel happy for her as shes now able to walk, run, jump & play and do the things she couldnt here on earth. There are so many things I want to be happy for her for but I am always still going to want her here. After she passed at some point we had to leave her there. Ive never not came home without her but on this day we had to. I hadnt been home in a month and I just assumed she would be coming home with me, but this day she wasnt. I always had the feeling as we would leave to go to the hopsital that she may not be back but never wanted to see or feel it. We tell our families in the waiting lounge that she is gone and then we leave the hospital to come home without our baby girl. To get in that vehicle without her and ride as a family home, to drive away from that hospital that we knew so well without her made me feel hollow. There was such an emptiness of her not being with us. As we drive out of the hospital I cant help but think how this is not a dream. I think to myself I wonder where she is? Is she happy where she went? And not even passed the hospital yet a monarch butterfly flys in front of our windshield and flutters up and down as if it was jumping for about 5 seconds. This was Keely flying free saying "Hi Mommy & Daddy look at me I am flying and I am free and Im happy".  Could Keely have picked anything more beautiful to be than a fragile, flying, colorful, dainty Butterfly, butterflies are so beautiful and everyone likes to look at them, I used to always try and catch them when I was younger and I remember always wanting to keep one. Well now I knew I had one and It was just set free on that bittersweet day. Keely has earned the wings she was given on June 30th and I am jealous of all the people who will now get to see her beautiful eyes in heaven. Im going to miss those eyes looking back at me everyday, the eyes that have stole so many peoples hearts in such a short time on earth. I will love and miss you my sweet sweet baby girl as I try to live this life without you. Every year on earth is one day in heaven so for you, you wont be waiting to long for Mommy. Sweet Dreams & Sleep Tight mommy's little Angel. Mommy, Daddy, Austin, Shaely and Jordan are going to miss you so so much.

Our Beautiful Family