Painful Tears

Its been 3 weeks long since our precious Keelys been gone. It feels like a year has passed that we lost her and instead of the pain easing it gets stronger everyday I have to live without her. My tears have become painful. I've cried before and have had many tears fall in this lifetime, but the tears that fall when you lose a child is like nothing else. These tears dont just well up in my eyes and cradle my eye lids and sit for moments before they fall, they fall one after one down my face like a syncronized raindrop dripping off an umbrella. I can hear them drip when they fall onto the table, onto a picture of you or right onto my pillow. They are unstoppable tears that coincide with my unstoppable pain. I sometimes feel like I need to catch them because they are all a part of Keely and that they need to be saved and cherished. Or are they falling so hard and so fast because its the only way I can release any pain from my body? It just goes along with all the questions that no one can answer for me. I so badly want to feel all the comfort for where you are now and that you can run, jump and play. When I think of you doing those things its brings a slight smile to my face and even sometimes happy tears but it only lasts for a little while until I picture you running to me and jumping and smiling with your little pigtails bouncing and then i just simply miss you and want you. No matter how positive I try to think about the reality of it all the pain always comes back. I miss my massages I used to get from you when I laid my head beside you and you rubbed my face, I miss laying beside you and you couldnt fall asleep until I held your hand and let you feel my breathe on your face, picking you up and dancing and humming a song and seeing your beautiful smile and bringing you out of your bedroom in the morning while I marched and sang The ants go marching in every single morning! All of those things are gone for me and all I can do is think of them and its still not the same. Our house feels empty without you here and every single one of us feel it. I just keep wishing im going to hear one of your little yelps as I turn to walk out of your bedroom but all i can hear is silence. For some reason when you were here and I sit here and think it seemed like everything in the house flowed or moved in some way or maybe just seemed brighter. Now I sit at the kitchen table and look around and everything seems so dark and still. Your balloons hanging in your corner have lost their air and sit at the bottom of the floor, the flowers on the mantel have all died and theres no movement even with us all here. Caring for Keely was the easiest part of everything its the living without her thats the toughest. Some days I feel numb and have to reconvince myself that you are really gone and never coming back and most days you are just gone and I can feel every sense of it. Today was another hurtful, painful, tearful day. As soon as i opened my eyes I could feel you gone and my stomach could too. Its like my breathes being taken away and a part of my stomach goes along with it as im telling myself over and over in my head my babys gone and shes never coming back. The only thing that eases this pain a little bit is crying those unstoppable tears and talking about how much I miss you and how things are so unfair. As I sit and tell Daddy how unfair it is for us to have you, me actually carry you for 9 months, give birth, care and love you unconditionally and just for you to be taken from us is so UNFAIR! After a few hours of crying and realizing that hasnt brought you back we go for a walk up to daddy work and talk about you some more. On our way back we talked about you some more and notice all the little baby monarch butterflys flying around, it made me smile. I kept noticing all these little tiny dark pink flowers no bigger than the end of an eraser each with 5 little petals, I kept seeing them and then I start noticing different white flowers and light purple. I kept seeing the tiny pink ones and they reminded me of you each time I seen one so I picked one, and in the meantime daddy picked a white one that looked like a tiny umbrella, then a little white daisy. It was the smallest little bouquet I had ever seen no bigger than the palm of my hand, so fragile and small but yet still so beautiful and it reminded me of YOU! After our walk and our talk we went back in the house and I laid that little bouquet at the head on your already made bed, I said outloud "mommy and daddy picked you some flowers baby girl, we love you and miss you"! I miss every little thing about my baby girl and wishes I could turn back time just to touch and feel her once more. Life is not the same for any of us as we walk this journey without her now. The jouney was much more meaningful with her here and my smiles have been replaced with painful tears. Mommy misses you Keely every single minute of every single day xoxoxo