In the peacefulness of our hopsital room on one of the most beautiful days of the summer our sweet, beautiful baby girl took her last breathe in the arms of her daddy and I on Thursday June 30th. She closed her eyes and fell asleep for the very last time and squeezed my hand as she did so. Our hearts filled with sadness and I think I heard mine break as she left her beautiful little body to go back to our Creator. She went back to tell him how great of a Mommy & Daddy we were to her even in the most trying times. We fought right along side Keely as she battled SMA and we didnt stop until we knew she had no more fight left in her. Many times I begged her to stay as i crawled in her hospital bed beside her and whispered in her ear "Stay with mommy forever Keely, dont ever leave me". But I knew this could only be temporary. On this day I had to hold my baby in my arms and tell her "Its okay to go baby, you can say goodbye to mommy and daddy now, go to sleep". The hardest words I'll ever say in my life came out of my mouth on this day with a face full of tears as she was still fighting to stay. I had to tell her she could go because I had asked her so many times to stay. Its the day ive been dreading for 13 months and the day i visualized in my head many times. She couldnt have left us any more peacefully as she did that day. Our room was so peaceful as we held her in our arms and listened to some music with her that reminded us of her. She was crying just a bit here and there and the music calmed her. How to you ever say goodbye to your child and choose a way for them to die? There is no way. The way I chose was she came into this world and was placed into my arms, took her first breathe, opened her eyes for the first time to look at me and as she was leaving this world she would be placed into my arms again and I would be the last person she sees just before she closes her eyes for the very last time and takes her last breathe. Not everyone gets to choose how their daughter will pass away. Its a double edge sword....She has left us and we are in so much pain and our hearts are forever broken but yet in heaven she is free from SMA. I want her here with me but yet I want to feel happy for her as shes now able to walk, run, jump & play and do the things she couldnt here on earth. There are so many things I want to be happy for her for but I am always still going to want her here. After she passed at some point we had to leave her there. Ive never not came home without her but on this day we had to. I hadnt been home in a month and I just assumed she would be coming home with me, but this day she wasnt. I always had the feeling as we would leave to go to the hopsital that she may not be back but never wanted to see or feel it. We tell our families in the waiting lounge that she is gone and then we leave the hospital to come home without our baby girl. To get in that vehicle without her and ride as a family home, to drive away from that hospital that we knew so well without her made me feel hollow. There was such an emptiness of her not being with us. As we drive out of the hospital I cant help but think how this is not a dream. I think to myself I wonder where she is? Is she happy where she went? And not even passed the hospital yet a monarch butterfly flys in front of our windshield and flutters up and down as if it was jumping for about 5 seconds. This was Keely flying free saying "Hi Mommy & Daddy look at me I am flying and I am free and Im happy". Could Keely have picked anything more beautiful to be than a fragile, flying, colorful, dainty Butterfly, butterflies are so beautiful and everyone likes to look at them, I used to always try and catch them when I was younger and I remember always wanting to keep one. Well now I knew I had one and It was just set free on that bittersweet day. Keely has earned the wings she was given on June 30th and I am jealous of all the people who will now get to see her beautiful eyes in heaven. Im going to miss those eyes looking back at me everyday, the eyes that have stole so many peoples hearts in such a short time on earth. I will love and miss you my sweet sweet baby girl as I try to live this life without you. Every year on earth is one day in heaven so for you, you wont be waiting to long for Mommy. Sweet Dreams & Sleep Tight mommy's little Angel. Mommy, Daddy, Austin, Shaely and Jordan are going to miss you so so much.
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| Our Beautiful Family |
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