9 Months & Natures Gifts

Not sure where the time has gone? Taking things day by day doesn't make anything easier or make time pass slower. The earth still spins no matter how much someone's life has stopped. Have things got any easier? Not one bit! I cant help but stress how it can feel like an eternity since I've held her but yet it seems like yesterday since I lost her. The important thing is I still remember what her hugs feel like, what her chubby cheeks feel like when I pushed my kiss into them, her head on my shoulder and her smell! I can still smell her! Her clothes still smell like her when I hug them, and I can still picture her in each outfit. I see her wear a few of her outfits in my dreams then I go and find them. Her bath stuff still sits in the same spot in our bathroom and every once in a while I smell it or wash my hands with it just to have the scent linger. From once single lingering sent of her sheds tears running down my face and a pain in my heart. I need to smell those smells and see those things to remember her existence. To feel comfort. The comfort I find these days cannot be handed to me. Scott comforts me by listening and understanding or just holding me tight but sometimes we are feeling the same pain and we need someone to comfort us both. Our kids comfort us by seeing them happy, their laughter, their stories of remembering their sister or just simply being their to keep us going. The most comfort I find is in nature itself. Sometimes Sunny days can hurt the most, thinking how I had to move her all around the living room at certain times each day because the sun would shine in our windows onto her and either make her hot or squint from the heat and the rays. Sunny days make me sad because I picture us going for a walk, which we never got to do because as soon as the nice warm weather came she became sick. But to look at the sun and see its beauty and how it can make water look from a reflection, how it can look shining through trees or peeking behind clouds with sun rays shining down from every direction, that's where I find comfort. I know the sun will only last for a certain amount of hours in the day then we will see the beauty in the sunsets. All the colors in the horizon and how the sky becomes natures canvas of experiencing gods creations. Keely was one of Gods creations and she has become part of that sunshine, part of those sun rays and a part of the beautiful sunsets. I can feel her while sitting in my back yard, closing my eyes, listening to the wind blow, hearing the sway of the trees in unison and any warmth or cool breeze on my face. I've never felt or noticed the beauty of mother nature until my baby girl became a part of it. My eyes have been opened and I see the world in a whole new perspective. A way I don't think I would have ever noticed if this hadn't happened to me. Butterflies for example; I've never seen as many butterflies as I seen last summer. One would flitter by or around me and I would sit there and watch it until it was out of sight. Sometimes it just felt as though they were trying to get my attention, like it was Keely saying "look at me mommy, watch me!" we've had butterflies land on us and stay there. One on the back of Scott's head, then jumped to me and stayed on my chest, then onto jord's finger. The day after Keelys funeral (July 4th) in the morning while I was still asleep Scott, my mom and Auntie Kris were out on our back deck, I heard a knock on our bedroom door and when I looked out Scott was standing with a butterfly on his shoulder that he said had been sitting there for 20 minutes, then flitted away once I got to see it. A lot of our signs come from nature and butterflies particularly hold a huge significance to Keelys life. When fall time came the golden leaves from the frosted trees would fall to the ground and sway in the same motion as hundreds of butterflies flying around, never noticed that before either. All of the bright fall colors made a beautiful sight to look at while driving or just in our own backyard. Rainbows...rainbows make me cry, did I cry before to see a rainbow? Not ever. Now I see them and see such beauty in them and wonder how their created. Most would take a rainbow for a rainbow, so what they come after it rains. But now I wonder why they come and how all those beautiful colors are evenly matched of their width and brightness throughout. The
Last rainbow we saw had 8 different colors, i realized I've never a really counted them before and wonder how many people actually do. It is such a beautiful gift. We see the night sky and the shape of the moon, the size of it or how bright its shining, sometimes how it lights of the entire ground and trees as if it were a spotlight. We see all the beautiful stars shining brightly knowing their millions of lights years away, naturally we think its all a part of Keely. Theres one star we have picked out of the sky each night that we think is Keelys star. It always seems to be first first star that appears. Stepping out our front door it's directly straight ahead, it always seems to be the brightest star. If Scott and I are apart we will message each other to say Keelys star is out and we both know exactly where to look. We even feel we saw it each night we were away from home while in Hawaii. These things are our only connection to our daughter not fully knowing where she is or what she's doing, but we take these beautiful wonders, images and sounds and know that if this is what surrounds us daily that it has to be beautiful where she is. I always wonder just like any parent worries about their child if she's okay and happy? Here on earth or in heaven you always worry. She sends us continuous signs through mother nature. The great thing about nature is that I know for the rest of my life I will continue to see these creations over and over again, day in and day out and have this connection that most will never feel, see or experience. This doesn't take my heartache away but brings some solace to a broken, shattered mother who has lost all hope and hopes to one day find that light at the end of the path.
Today on the 8 month mark of my grief journey I will cry some more (probably alot more since 5am this morning) feel the pain as I do everyday and continue to wear this heavy coat that weighs me down and can only hope for perhaps a beautiful sunset and starry sky at the end of the day.

Sometimes we are only given a few minutes to be with someone we love, and thousands of hours to spend thinking about them

Love you and miss you my little girl xoxo Mommy