Months of Sadness

It has been almost three months since I have last posted. In this past three months it has been the most deepest darkest struggle in remaining to continue our life without Keely. not just for myself but for Scott and our three children. Knowing my own pain and sometimes having to push it aside because her brothers and sister are feeling it as well. Some days (most days) are a struggle to get up and put one foot in front of the other while you walk around with this pain worn like a heavy coat. The days I don't have a choice to decide my feelings and have to get up and go about my day are days that you could tell me my daughter died and it's hard for me to believe as I sit and convince myself this is true. It is still somedays just as much of a shock that she Keely is gone and will never be back. As time wears on this thought becomes much harder to believe and understand as a parent. Once you've convinced yourself it starts to feel like there is no end in sight to your hurt and sadness, because you as her mother know that the only thing that's ever going to subside this hurt is having her back. This is a daily struggle for me, I am either feeling every ounce of anguish or trying to convince my sub concious my disbelief. I purchase as many support books that can relate to my everyday life now to try and understand and get a grasp on things of how other parents get through such a dark place and possibly come out at the other end of the tunnel with positivity again and to be able to feel really happy inside. Of course with having Austin, Shaely and Jordan helps immensely with getting through our days and the support Scott and I have for one another. I feel like I have to find my true self again, I have to set the boundaries for this new "normal" I've been living for the past eight months. Some way some how Keely was a special gift, nobody would argue this statement! I guess I could continue to look at it in a way that we've been ripped off and robbed as parents and that this higher being has things out for us.....but I also know that we are good people, so I cannot agree to that! Unfortunately this kind of stuff doesn't happen to "bad" people. I know this because of the several bereaved parents we've met along our journey. Each one of them are very special people and would do ANYTHING for their children and family. It's the people that God knows will love this angel unconditionally and care for him/her the way he needs them too, because in time they are going right back to him to tell him of these special gifts these parents have and how much they can love. This stuff does not happen to people who don't deserve children or unwanted children this kind of stuff happens to beautiful, unselfish parents. I've recently been taking a deeper look into things and the way our life has been handed to us. What for some reason we were meant to deal with? It's scary to not know how you as a person will end up. This is how im seeing things.....I've recognized that On this journey I've been given a path, it's a winding path with no sun and only huge mountains that you cannot go under, hurdles that we have to continuously get over, a bottomless never ending ocean, it's a scary dark path that we can only feel our way through and hope to find the sunshine at the end of it. There are two roads, with neither of them being any easier, both will be a constant struggle to get through. Each path knocks you down but it's whether you decide to stay down or get back up? One will lead you in the wrong direction of self destruction and self pity and the other will convince you that there are beautiful things along this dreary path. This is the path where you choose to fight. Some days you will find the sun peeking through the clouds because you allow yourself that much. There are little gifts all along this path but you have to look for them and they are not easy to find. Although the path never ends, as you walk along it, it gets a little straighter, a little wider and a little brighter at the end. This is how I see my grief journey. I cannot go over, under or around it, I have to go through it, and I am the only person that can make the path what it's going to be. I can look and see all the hardships ahead, give up and sit in the middle of it and wallow in self pity? Or I can choose to keep getting back up? There will be moments that I want to give up but hopefully don't. I know the path is long but I choose to reinvest what little energy I have into it for the sake of what Keelys been through in her short time here. I've chosen giving up is unacceptable although it is going to continue to be a devastating path. By no means am I saying I am strong or brave but maybe have a tiny bit of courage after a sorrowfull loss. Things have not been easy for me and I'm sure will continue to get worse before they get better. I will still continue to cry everyday, probably scream at times because the pain is still so unbearable but one day I hope to be a better person because of all the suffering I've been through. Ive said in my previous blogs and still say today that Keely is what got me through her diagnosis and made me see my potential as a great mother to my terminally I'll daughter. I've thought since her passing she's not here to get me through this and she's the only one who can. Then I realized....she has a legacy, I'm going to take her beautiful spirit and continue it. It was shared with me and I hope one day to share it with others. In the past eight months since Keely's been gone I've seen the beauty that nature really has to offer, it's my only connection I have to my daughter other than my dreams. I choose to see these glimpses as gifts and have chosen to not give them up! I've held an angel in my arms in this lifetime and it was for a reason, I may never find out what that reason is but if there's a glimmer of hope i'll continue to search. There are moments in your life that make you and sets the course of who your going to be. Sometimes their little, subtle moments, sometimes their big moments you never saw coming. No one asks for their life to change, but it does. It's what you do afterwards that counts, that's when you find out who you are.

Life is too ironic to fully understand. It takes sadness to know what happiness is, noise to appreciate silence and absence to value presence

Love my little Keely, such a big miracle in such a little girl <3