Three Years and Angel - June 30, 2014

My heart is extra heavy today with the all too familiar hollow feeling mixed with anxiety as three years today at 3:20pm I watched my sweet baby girl close her eyes and go to sleep forever. As I wrapped her tiny little hand in mine while her daddy and I cradled her in our warm embrace I could feel her little pulse beat slower and slower. Never have I been so present in a moment as I was in the last hours of her life that day. Watching and witnessing every little detail of her knowing that at any moment it would all end. How does a mother look into her daughters eyes in her last precious moments of life and soak it all in to remember her eyes, smile, little face, little piggy tails and the touch and feel of her knowing to never have it again for the rest of my existence. Trying to do all of that and still help her feel comfort and safe in our arms so she's not afraid or feeling pain, and tell her for her own comfort but not really mean it that  "it's okay baby girl you can go to sleep, your free to go, mommy and daddy are here". I had asked and begged her so many times to stay and not to leave mommy,  sometimes screaming it, that i knew it was my job to tell her it was okay for her to go. Not wanting any of this but knowing it had to be said to her because so many times i think she held on for me. In the end our hope was lost, our battle was fought, in the end SMA won.

Tragically, Beautiful is how I best put this day into clarity 3 years later. 

At this point in my life that day was the most tragic, horrific awful day I've ever had to experience but right beside it was the experience of life, death and heaven surrounding me and Scott in just four walls of the PICU. To put into words the peacefulness we felt comforting and embracing our daughters last moments of life and her tired little body as her journey to heaven began are unspeakable. Our room was so peaceful and there was a warm light almost as if we were centred off from the hospital in the middle of a meadow on a beautiful sunny day. There was only the noise of us speaking to her and the music she loved to hear so much playing in the background. Songs Ive never listened to again since that day. She was happy and she was smiling and there was so much love but at the same time the tragedy of losing my sweet, innocent little girl forever and ever. Heaven surrounded us in our room that day as we carried her to heavens gates and offered our little girl back to the creators arms.  It was tragically, beautiful....My heart completely shattered, I cried as her life just slipped through my fingers just like that. To think back at how peaceful and how we were able to be there and have her wrapped in my arms as her life here on earth  ended and our experience of heaven surrounding us was beautiful and somewhat re-assuring she maybe okay.  There are really no words. As we were pulling out of the hospital that day with our little family minus one i was devastated having to leave her there and never to be with her again and wondering who would be taking care of her now.  As we made a left turn out of the hospital entrance not even past the front of the hospital,  a beautiful monarch butterfly flitted so gracefully directly in front of our windshield, up and down, back and forth first to Scott than over to me for about 20 seconds.  As I was crying and not able to say a word I watched it and knew that it was my little Keely so excited saying "Look at me Mommy & Daddy I'm free, I can fly".  That day Keely left her physical body that had betrayed her and just a few hours after her death her journey started from being in a cocoon to a beautiful butterfly that had graced her surroundings from shortly after being born. Looking back I know she needed to give me this sign right away because as much as I cared and worried about her I think she cared and worried about me just as equally. She let me know she was going to be okay by showing me she immediately became that beautiful monarch butterfly. This was the beautiful...she often sends me signs to let me know she's near and  is still a part of this earth just not physically. She surrounds me but I will still always miss her and want her here with me. 

She dies all over to me again on this day, ever year and she probably always will. I welcome the pain and want to feel it because the pain is all I have left of her. Where there is pain and tears I am feeling her and remembering her the utmost. 

"Of all the butterflies that chose to stay, I'm in love with the one that got away" - Laura Miller

The Bereaved Mother

In 15 days it will be two whole years that I've been a bereaved mother. Two years that some days feel like 2 days or 20 years to the bereaved mother. In whichever case it doesn't ever feel like the actual reality of what it really is. Prior to becoming a bereaved mother myself but knowing one day I would be I couldn't actually comprehend what it would be like. I know I felt scared, actually terrified is more like it. I felt like it was the unimagineable, that it would be dark, like I would not live through it, I just could not put myself down that dark path. I would think back to prior years maybe even before I had children of how scary that would be for a mother to lose her child. Even as a woman with no children it was still a fear of mine but something I thought I would never have to worry about because that kind of stuff just doesn't happen. I feared for other women.
 I remember reading a book After I had my first born, Shaely. Shaely was about 5. It was called Mourning Ruby. It was a book I bought at Chapters for $5.00 and without even reading what it was about I grabbed it, I read just about anything then. As I read it talked about this little girl Ruby, she was about 6 or 7 in the book and got to know her character well and her mom. One day Ruby gets hit by a car and passes away. I remember sobbing reading it. In the book after she died it goes on and explains in great detail of how her mother felt. I think Iread only able to ready 2 chapters after and I just couldn't read it anymore, it was just something I couldn't face with having had my own child.
After Keely's diagnosis I knew one day I was going to be that bereaved mother. And I always wondered what she looked like. I thought back to women I knew had once lost a child no matter what the age of a child was I thought about them. I remember watching a few and thinking to myself wow I can't believe she just smiled or she's showered and out in public. I couldn't wrap my head around how they were doing it. Again it was the unimagineable and how was I going to live.
On August 27th 2010 I almost became a bereaved mother, suddenly!! Keely had became very sick and the doctors told us she had 12 hours to live, they did not think she was going to make it. Thinking of my poor baby girl and that she already had to experience death was my first thought and thinking how I wasn't ready for this so soon. I thought at I would die rig along with Keely. Fortunately Keely pulled through that night and many nights following. We did stay at the hospital for 3 months following this and this is where I met some women who are what I will one day be.
Knowing Keely had a terminal illness everyday I felt there was some way I had to prepare myself for her death. Having to witness it was a whole other story (my biggest fear) but having to prepare was something I thought could be done. the first bereaved mother I met since knowing I would one day be was our social worker. Upon our first meeting this woman walked in to our room, introduced herself and gave us a big smile and of course paid most of her attention to Keely (which I hate to brag but everyone did). I received a warm, inviting feeling from her. I liked her instantly, we all did. She was going to help us through this whole process. After about spending a half an hour with her she shared with us that she had lost her daughter at a young age. Unknown if she noticed my reaction I was floored. I couldn't really believe what I was hearing as I felt like the only mother on earth at the time who would have ever have to say goodbye to her child. Immediately I thought, she does not look like a woman who has lost a child! She's beautiful, she's smiling, she has makeup on, her hair looks great and she was beautifully dressed. Hell this woman showered and actually works! I honestly couldn't believe this woman was a bereaved mother because she is not what I pictured one to look like! I pictured me daily on what I would be like once I became a bereaved mother. Thought I would never be able to eat again because I would feel so terribly sick all the time from my pain and heartbreak, I thought I would never stop crying EVER, I'll never wear makeup again or have my hair done and I don't even care about what I wear. I remembering saying one time to a bereaved father "how are you not curled up in a ball in the corner wasting away to nothing?" he too was also well dressed, showered and looked normal. I couldnt wrap my head around how these people were doing it. I asked the most personal questions just so I could try to get an insight into their reality. I couldn't put what I was seeing and what I was thinking into any type of perspective. I cherished these people. I would look at this woman and she would give me hope that I could one day be her or something close. I heard her story, I felt her pain and I took that and carried that with me hoping one day I too could be like her. She was an inspiration to me as she was everything that I didn't think a bereaved mother could be.
On June 30th 2011 at 3:20pm I became a bereaved mother. That day I witnessed my child's death. I said goodbye to her and to her future. No parent should ever have to experience their child's passing. In a year and a half I watched her take her first breath and her last. I also watched all the breaths she struggled between that. I witnessed first hand the circle of life in my very own child.  I now know what a bereaved mother looks like, feels like, crys like, sleeps like, thinks like and most importantly hopes like! there's no way I could have prepared myself for what was ahead. I will say its not what I expected.

The Bereaved Mother;

This is what I've learned.....I've never cried so many tears in all my life but I found out its impossible to cry 24/7. I've cried 7 days a week for the past 104 weeks but for short, often periods but eventually I stop.

Tears are like gold. Crying releases some of the daily pain I have inside of me.

I have anger, sadness and pain on a daily basis and each day I wear it like a heavy coat. An invisible coat that only I can feel.

If I'm showered with my hair fixed and makeup on it took a lot of work and sucked the energy out of me.

Getting out of bed is the biggest task. Sleep is an escape and takes you away from your harsh reality.

I have to pretend to be happy and that my daughters not on my mind every single second of everyday to feel normal around others. I hide behind my smile. I am not as happy or "strong" as I come across.

I've learned to not tell people how you really feel when they ask because it makes them uncomfortable.

Nature is much more beautiful to me than it ever was before as that is where I feel my daughter after I returned her to the earth.

I have anxiety when I'm around small children and babies because I constantly wish mine was doing the same things as them.

A butterfly is the most beautiful thing to me next to a bright colorful sunset.

I am thankful for numbness because without it I may have died from a broken heart.

I never know there was an education to grief and it was healthy to cry and share as much as possible.

I will and will continue to talk about my daughter for as long as I live.

I feel like I live on another planet among everyone else because no one gets how I can't get over Keelys death.

Two years later I still take things day by day.

It's a chore to cook a meal and some days even lift your fork eat that meal.

If I clean my house and doing my laundry I feel like a should receive a gold medal, it feels like a huge accomplishment.

I've managed to smile and mean it without feeling guilt but it doesn't come often.  Something I never thought would ever happen.

The pain never goes away you just getting better at dealing with it.

You dont realize you've turned a corner until someone tells you and then you look back and realize you've climbed a mountain.

I sometimes feel like a child again who needs to be taken care of because my heart and my soul are so fragile.

You don't fully heal from the death of a child. I expect to think of her everyday.

I could go on and on and on and on but most importantly I didn't die, yes my heart is shattered completely and throughout the years I will put it back together but even once it's been pieced backed together there will  always be a hole that can never be filled. I will never be the same person as before and I dont want to be. All I want is for people to accept me for who I am now and who I will one day become from this. Looking back I know what I thought a bereaved mother was so now I know what most think or expect to see from me. Shock and numbness play a huge role in the death of a child and without it I would be exactly what I thought I should be not what I am.mbut I can't forget that having a supportive partner by your side who will pick you up and dust you off when needed and who comes home just to make sure your eating and drinking or to check on you and tell you that he loves you helps too. I was given the job for some reason to look after that little girl and live this life and I can't give up now, I'm a person who needs answers and I believe they will come one day.

Thank-You my beautiful angel for choosing me as your mama bear. Xoxo

In Dreams Awake

One thing in the past 18 months I have not been able to find is "Peace". I cannot find peace within my head and my heart to feel at ease that my little girl is gone forever. With that being said throughout this deep dark hole I've been trekking through I have found things like Hope, I've learned to be grateful and thankful. A few things I never thought were possible. When you are broken into a million pieces and nobody can put the pieces back together but you and you alone you find these things again and you realize life isn't over. Mind you these feelings aren't there everyday but to even realize that their is hope, even if it's found or embraced through somebody else's story of loss, or in a book, even if just one other person moving forward that's all the hope you need to keep trekking forward. I am grateful everyday for what I still have and that strength has came from somewhere to get me through 18 months without even barely realizing it but most of all I'm thankful for Scott and our 3 kiddies, if it wasn't for them I don't know where I would be. I've read a quote before "you never know what's around the corner, it could be everything, it could be nothing. You keep putting one foot in front of the other, and then one day you've looked back and you've climbed a mountain" - Tom Hiddleston. This quote puts my past 18 months into perspective. Everyday feels the same, you have no idea how you have gotten to where you are but somewhere behind you, you have climbed this enormous mountain. I don't feel as though I have gotten very far but I know I've moved without even realizing. 
When I talk about Peace I can't wrap my mind on how I can ever find this within myself to be at peace with my daughters death. Everything seemed right, everything seemed like there was a plan and then we hear a terrible diagnosis and then we experience our daughter passing away. As a parent you experience your child here and gone, then your life just continues like it or not. Never really knowing where she is or what she is or better yet why??
Most people take dreams for granted, you figure you go to sleep, you have a dream and then you wake up and that's it! I actually have many of those kinda nights and half the time I don't even remember what I dreamt. The there are times I dream of Keely, it doesn't happen near as often as I would like but it happens. I've shared a few in previous blogs. But every times dream of her it just feels more and more real, I truly believe this is our chance to see one another or a little visit. This could possibly one day bring me some type of peace, even if just for a moment. 

A few nights after the supposed end of the world which I was not the least bit worried about I had this life-like dream.......Scott, myself, Austin, Shaely and Jordan were driving to a hockey game somewhere and as we're driving along I remember the scenery being country, farm like land, any normal Ontarian scenery that any hockey parent would know that has to travel to games. Off in the distance I see these little tornados coming toward the road from the field and there were about 4 of them. I pointed and showed Scott and he sped up trying to surpass them before the reached the road. One made it in front of us and picked up a tractor and truck that were traveling in front of us and threw them into a big farmers field that was on both sides of the road. Next thing we knew a tornado picked up our vehicle, it spun us around and threw us in the field to but we were fine. Again looking off into the distance I noticed this big brown dusting that reached the sky to the ground and realized it was about 100 tornados all clumped into one big one and it was going to basically demolish the world.  In my dream we knew we had some time before it hit us and we all got out of the vehicle where I then noticed many houses in the field all of a sudden, and many people just standing around seeing what was going on. I said to Scott " this is it, this is the end of the world" and he agreed silently. As we all walked into this field I looked around and recognized some of the people standing. The field and standing on their porches. Some of these people were there in real life but the more I looked the more I seen loved ones who had already passed. I looked around some more and seen this woman in her 50's standing on a porch of one of the houses holding a little girls hand and they were both looking at me smiling. As I got closer I realized the woman was my cousin Paula who passed away 3 months after Keely passed and she was holding Keelys hand. But this little girl was a little girl of 3 years, and when she seen me she smiled from ear to ear. And without a second thought I knew it was Keely. She had came for us and was waiting for us as she knew the world was ending and she was there waiting. We recognized one another at the same time and I couldn't believe my eyes, in my dream I knew she was passed but she had grown and was not a baby any,ore she was a little girl. She was the height of a 3 year old but I noticed tall for her age, her hair was long and brown down to the middle of her back and a little wavy, her hair was parted in the middle and the top was in two little pig tails off to the side in the front. She had her exact traditional dress on we buried her in and I noticed she had grown to where you could see her little legs sticking out and her white leather moccasins on her feet. She was a grown up little girl. As soon as she spotted me she let go of Paula's hand and ran down the 3 steps of the porch with her arms spread as wide as can be with an ear to ear smile waiting to hit me, I yelled "Keely" and ran toward her. She ran right into my arms and gave me the biggest most tightest hug and yelled "Mommy". We squeezed each other equally tight and it still felt like it did when I would hug her so tight in my arms. I felt the realness of her hug and it's something I miss most and made sure I did everyday. I would just pick her up and hug her so tight with her head resting on my shoulder, it still felt the same only she had the strength to hug me back. And just like all my other dreams this is when I wake up. What's different about this dream though is I haven't stopped thinking about the realness, my little girl grown up, running, talking and just so sweet and innocent. I woke and and told myself, this was real, that this was how she visits me and this is how I'm going to see her from now on. Id much rather it not be a dream but this is as close as it gets and dreams are better than nothing! It was so real and so vivid. She I say most people take their dreams for granted or just brush it off as a dream, I'm one who hopes and wishes to dream because this is as close as I'll be to my child in this lifetime. I'm left with so much sadness after experiencing a dream like this because it just makes me want her here for real but then I realize it's better than nothing at all.
Thank-you for the visits baby girl xoxoxoxoxoxoxo

"Our truest life us when we are in dreams awake" - Henry David Thoreau

Another Christmas without you....

We just had our 2nd Christmas without Keely. It never gets easier. I miss enjoying Christmas. I enjoy it with my family and love seeing the smiles on their faces but I miss the joy of Christmas. This joy I'm missing isn't just at Christmas though, it's all year round but harder on holidays with Christmas being the worst. We lit Keelys Christmas candle to show her presence. Everyone thinks of her throughout the day and mentions her. This year Shaely spent the night at her dads on Christmas Ever to wake up and spend Christmas morning with him. Low and behold Scott and I has the flu and spent Christmas Eve in bed. I feel Keelys presence in the eagle I seen flying above me while thinking of her of course 4 days ago, then I had on of the most beautiful dreams about her 3 nights ago. I miss her, I wish she was here running around excited for Santa, ripping open her presents. I seen so many things for her while I was out shopping. Strawberry Shortcake popped out at me everywhere or Mickey or Minnie Mouse and I would just play the hot dog song in my head. It's very hard not to buy something for her, I suppose I could but it would only be an empty feeling not being able to see her reaction, even at her age when she was here she would be excited to see something we bought her or a gift someone else bough her.
For now we have her little pink tree with 40 little white lights with butterfly ornaments, cupcake ornaments, stars from the coping centre and our new hope ornaments, anything that reminds us of her. We miss her and we can only dream of what Christmas is like in heaven.

Merry Christmas our pretty little angel! Xoxo Mommy & Daddy

Happy 3rd Birthday Sweet Angel

This is our cute, silly little girl on her 1st and only birthday in December 2010.

Its that day again (or should i say week) that I sit, cry, wonder, remember but most of all Dream of what it would be like to have my little girl here. Three years old and running about. Us chasing her, playing, laughing and just what she would look like. The unfortunate theory of it all is I am left sitting here only wishing and hoping for all of these things that mothers experience everyday, and I am left with empty, weightless arms. The things I would give and do to have Keely back and all I would like to do is have a party with her. We will celebrate in our own little way, of course it wont be the same. I wonder all year long how should we honour or celebrate this day. It is such a special day for us all with many wonderful memories from the day she was born and her 1st birthday. Last year it was one of my most painful days. I have to sit and wonder what my child looks like, what are her little quirks and silly things she would be doing to make us laugh, all the stories on a day to day basis I could share amongst my friends and family. We never got to celebrate her sitting up, crawling or walking. We found many other things we greatly appreciated like seeing her smile, make a sound, giggle, but again simple things people take for granted everyday. That what we had and thats what we took and seeing those things made many special moments. What I would give just to feel her touch, touch her or see a little smile or her big beautiful eyes...simple things. How does it ever get easier?As the day drew near all I could feel was an empty, hollow feeling, i guess this is the feeling you feel when a piece of you is missing. Ive only felt it since Keelys been gone. My mind and my body only  know what is ahead, I can try to keep as busy as possible leading up to the day but this hollow, empty feeling invades. I ve realized tears and missing her isnt going to bring her back. I still cant wrap my head around the fact that she is gone from my arms forever let alone celebrate her when shes not here. We will do it and we will always remember it but there will always be a huge piece missing in the day.
We will have our cake and put a sparkler on top and watch it slowly burn out. There is no one to blow the candle out and just like last year as it burns down I will cry my tears as only a mother can do when her child is gone.  We will decorate our Christmas tree and her little pink tree in her special corner. We will send some balloons to heaven for her little hands to reach out and grab and hope she gets our messages we each write to her. And most importantly its an annual holiday in our home so our little family will all be together remembering our favorite little girl.

I hope in years to come I will one day find joy on her birthday. For now I will hold my memories of my little girl so close and cherish them as much as i can and sit and just imagine those little piggy tails bouncing about, with those big beautiful eyes and gorgeous smile that we created.

Happy 3rd Birthday our little angel. Enjoy your birthday with your two papa's this year! Love you SOOO SOOO much.



Keely & Papa

Keely & her Papa on the day she was born December 14, 2012
 

On November 23rd 2012 Keely's Papa Hill joined her in Heaven. As difficult as it is losing another family member so important to our lives its brings some comfort in knowing that Keely now has her Papa with her everyday and she is being well taken care of. During Keely's time here her papa wasnt in the best health and neither was she. I now picture them spending time and playing together like they both never could while here on earth. When the two of them were still here he would stop in for a little visit to see Keely. She would be laying on her spot on the couch and she would hear our door chime ring and could hear him come in and would listen carefully as she would sit and listen to his footsteps approach her. She would be happy to see her Papa. He would come in and yell "Keely, Papa's here to see you, wheres that little girl?" He would sit on the couch and talk with her and she as Keely always did contently listened and watched. As we sat bedside Donnie's bedside during the end of his life I found myself wondering often if she was near and waiting for him. In our tradition when the end of a life is near we are told our ancestors and loved ones who have passed come for our loved one. I pictured Keely in her little traditional dress of brown and pink with her little pig tails skipping along and waiting to give her papa big hugs and kisses. He always missed Keely after she passed, he would not (or better yet could not) speak of her to often. I could tell he was always very sad and it was very difficult for him to think of her gone. Last Christmas we printed off a picture of Keely and Jordan when Keely was about 2 months old (prior to diagnosis) and made it into an 8x10, framed it and put a little plate on the bottom that read "Our Namesakes, Jordan Donnie Miles Hill & Keely Louise Hill" and we gave it to him for Christmas. When he opened it, he cried like the day he did when he seen her for the first time lying in her casket. He made us all cry, that day he reminded me that I wasnt the only one that missed her, not having to say anything at all but just sharing tears of remembering her. Tears are words that cannot be spoken, and that moment alot was said.
Keely now has her papa to walk beside, holding hands, and together they can spend the time together that I couldnt even spend with her doing the things she can now do. I picture her in her papa's arms and they are both smiling. Neither one of them would ever be well on this earth and together they are in Heaven. She is going to be well taken care of <3 How Beautiful Heaven must be!

Jordan Donnie Miles Hill & Keely Louise Hill

"The longest life is short and the shortest life is miraclous" - Joseph Gallagher

Thank Heaven For Dreams

So since our 10K For Keely fundraiser has been over my feelings of fulfillment and the high of such a positive focus have ow ndrifted. I felt like in the past few months I had a focus along with a purpose. After such a magnificent event in memory and honor of our little girl I was plopped back into the reality of a bereaved mommy. Shaely went on a week camping vacation before school started and I found myself home alone in the silence as I have been many times in the past year (by choice that is). The profound and oh so familiar silence and sadness has shown back up on my front doorstep after for a month or so it was pushed to the back door. Always still being able to see it and knowing it was there but my grieving was in the back of my mind while i busied myself with only positives of Keely's life and the fundraiser.

I remember the very next day #1 feeling obviously drained and #2 incredibly sad. I felt like from the whole entire year of Keely's passing my purpose and my identity were gone, but for one to two months i had a little bit of a purpose back. Still sad? Yes. Still crying? Yes. But in between all of my sadness I was able to fill it with some positive. I was up and out of bed, out of the house and not only preoccupying my mind but preoccupying my mind still with Keely. Rather than the devastation I was putting my energy into her and into her life. I was overflowing her life into mine. The very next day after the 10K all of this was gone :( I was sad I was crying and I felt like my purpose was no longer. What was I going to do with myself next? Any non-bereaved parent could answer this but then theres thinking and then theirs doing and all I do is think! All I could think about was how much I miss Keely....for the entire day of the 10K i felt like she was here and apart of the day and poof! She was gone when it was done!
Sleep was definitely in order after this. Sleep has always been an escape and always one of the easiest things to do. Any grieving mother who has lost a child knows that you no longer have any viable energy and that everything you do you are doing it with little to no energy. Im not exactly sure what I had been running on while planning and organizing the run but it got done. Shaely started school on the 26th of August (which has not been easy) so here we are back to getting up at 7:00am and getting her off to school, which is fine but I found myself going back to sleep and just sleeping until I couldnt sleep anymore. BUT during these morning slumbers I found I was dreaming of Keely. Something I havent done since the winter. It had been a very long time since I had a dream of her. The last one I recall was being at my moms house and her house was haunted and I remember hiding and this little small ghost came walking toward where I had been hiding with a big comforter over it and all I could see was the comforter moving toward me. I felt scared and as it got closer to me it threw the blanket off in a flash and there was my Keely smiling ear to ear with her little piggy tails and her arms spread as wide as they could go waiting for a big hug! She was wearing a very familiar night gown that she wore often. Long sleeved white cotton nightgown with big pink and purple hearts on the entire piece and the bottom was gathered in elastic. I yelled out "KEELY!" and I grabbed a hold of her and hugged her as tight as I could and just cried as I told her how much I missed her. It was so real and I felt so happy. Tears of Joy as I woke up crying. It felt so entirely real even as we embraced in a dream hug.
So a few weeks ago I went back to sleep one day after Shae caught her school bus. I'm not sure why but it was after being awake and going back to sleep I was more aware of what I was dreaming. My most recent dream of Keely was that she was here but I knew it was only for a little while, like I had her for only a few hours or a day or something but I knew she would be gone again. In all of my dreams she never speaks but she is always smiling. She still had SMA but I didn't care, I could see her pretty little face and it was as real as I'll ever feel her again. I remember walking into a room and she was laying in a small bed that was raised up high like it was made solely for her. In my dream I felt my heart rate increase at the sight of her and not in disbelief but the feeling of anticipation that I had her just for that extra moment....like a moment that you are so happy your sad and you cant speak a word so you cry tears of joy. It's an emotional high. I felt this when I seen her and I picked her up as fast as I could and I held her as tight as possible, like I was never going to let her go. She was so happy to see me but she also looked at me as though she never went a day without seeing me.....she had her normal "excited to see her mommy" happy face. I always held her with her head laying or looking over my shoulder and in my dream I grabbed a hold of her and said in tears "Mommy misses you so much Keely I just want to hug you forever!" I could feel the exact way she felt when I held her and I held the back of her head as her little cheek pressed into my shoulder and I swayed back and forth and just squeezed her as tight as I could to feel the biggest hug ever given! I rocked her back and forth as I hugged deeply and repeated over and over "I miss you SO much Keely".  I remember during this long dreaming embrace I held her hand in mine. She had the little most petite hands and I would always hold her entire little fist into mine and just hold it. I knew this dream wasn't going to last forever but the feeling felt dreaming and holding her filled a little bit of my soul. I could still feel her touch and feel the way it always felt when I held my baby girl in my arms. The feel of her head resting on my shoulder and of her little cuddly body in my arms filled and broke my heart all at the same time. I awoke from my dream in this very moment of her nuzzling into me. At first I felt happy that I dreamt of her and I thanked her for coming to visit me. Shortly after I began to cry because I just miss her so darn much and want her back to hug and touch her everyday. For the rest of that day I felt overwhelming feelings of sadness because for a short moment, in a dream I felt like I had her back just to wake up to her gone...like many other days. I explained to Scott in tears how I LOVE dreaming about her and I never want to stop, but yet I wake up and feel so heartbroken because I want her here with me. If ever I feel I tinge of happiness there's always a sting of pain right behind it. But at the end of the day I choose to dream.....it's all I have other than sweet memories.

"I think we dream so we don't have to be apart for too long. If we are in each others dreams, we can be together all the time." - A. A. Milne ....Winnie the Pooh

Sweet Dreams My Girl xoxo Mama