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This is our cute, silly little girl on her 1st and only birthday in December 2010.
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Its that day again (or should i say week) that I sit, cry, wonder, remember but most of all Dream of what it would be like to have my little girl here. Three years old and running about. Us chasing her, playing, laughing and just what she would look like. The unfortunate theory of it all is I am left sitting here only wishing and hoping for all of these things that mothers experience everyday, and I am left with empty, weightless arms. The things I would give and do to have Keely back and all I would like to do is have a party with her. We will celebrate in our own little way, of course it wont be the same. I wonder all year long how should we honour or celebrate this day. It is such a special day for us all with many wonderful memories from the day she was born and her 1st birthday. Last year it was one of my most painful days. I have to sit and wonder what my child looks like, what are her little quirks and silly things she would be doing to make us laugh, all the stories on a day to day basis I could share amongst my friends and family. We never got to celebrate her sitting up, crawling or walking. We found many other things we greatly appreciated like seeing her smile, make a sound, giggle, but again simple things people take for granted everyday. That what we had and thats what we took and seeing those things made many special moments. What I would give just to feel her touch, touch her or see a little smile or her big beautiful eyes...simple things. How does it ever get easier?As the day drew near all I could feel was an empty, hollow feeling, i guess this is the feeling you feel when a piece of you is missing. Ive only felt it since Keelys been gone. My mind and my body only know what is ahead, I can try to keep as busy as possible leading up to the day but this hollow, empty feeling invades. I ve realized tears and missing her isnt going to bring her back. I still cant wrap my head around the fact that she is gone from my arms forever let alone celebrate her when shes not here. We will do it and we will always remember it but there will always be a huge piece missing in the day.
We will have our cake and put a sparkler on top and watch it slowly burn out. There is no one to blow the candle out and just like last year as it burns down I will cry my tears as only a mother can do when her child is gone. We will decorate our Christmas tree and her little pink tree in her special corner. We will send some balloons to heaven for her little hands to reach out and grab and hope she gets our messages we each write to her. And most importantly its an annual holiday in our home so our little family will all be together remembering our favorite little girl.
I hope in years to come I will one day find joy on her birthday. For now I will hold my memories of my little girl so close and cherish them as much as i can and sit and just imagine those little piggy tails bouncing about, with those big beautiful eyes and gorgeous smile that we created.
Happy 3rd Birthday our little angel. Enjoy your birthday with your two papa's this year! Love you SOOO SOOO much.
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