Thank Heaven For Dreams

So since our 10K For Keely fundraiser has been over my feelings of fulfillment and the high of such a positive focus have ow ndrifted. I felt like in the past few months I had a focus along with a purpose. After such a magnificent event in memory and honor of our little girl I was plopped back into the reality of a bereaved mommy. Shaely went on a week camping vacation before school started and I found myself home alone in the silence as I have been many times in the past year (by choice that is). The profound and oh so familiar silence and sadness has shown back up on my front doorstep after for a month or so it was pushed to the back door. Always still being able to see it and knowing it was there but my grieving was in the back of my mind while i busied myself with only positives of Keely's life and the fundraiser.

I remember the very next day #1 feeling obviously drained and #2 incredibly sad. I felt like from the whole entire year of Keely's passing my purpose and my identity were gone, but for one to two months i had a little bit of a purpose back. Still sad? Yes. Still crying? Yes. But in between all of my sadness I was able to fill it with some positive. I was up and out of bed, out of the house and not only preoccupying my mind but preoccupying my mind still with Keely. Rather than the devastation I was putting my energy into her and into her life. I was overflowing her life into mine. The very next day after the 10K all of this was gone :( I was sad I was crying and I felt like my purpose was no longer. What was I going to do with myself next? Any non-bereaved parent could answer this but then theres thinking and then theirs doing and all I do is think! All I could think about was how much I miss Keely....for the entire day of the 10K i felt like she was here and apart of the day and poof! She was gone when it was done!
Sleep was definitely in order after this. Sleep has always been an escape and always one of the easiest things to do. Any grieving mother who has lost a child knows that you no longer have any viable energy and that everything you do you are doing it with little to no energy. Im not exactly sure what I had been running on while planning and organizing the run but it got done. Shaely started school on the 26th of August (which has not been easy) so here we are back to getting up at 7:00am and getting her off to school, which is fine but I found myself going back to sleep and just sleeping until I couldnt sleep anymore. BUT during these morning slumbers I found I was dreaming of Keely. Something I havent done since the winter. It had been a very long time since I had a dream of her. The last one I recall was being at my moms house and her house was haunted and I remember hiding and this little small ghost came walking toward where I had been hiding with a big comforter over it and all I could see was the comforter moving toward me. I felt scared and as it got closer to me it threw the blanket off in a flash and there was my Keely smiling ear to ear with her little piggy tails and her arms spread as wide as they could go waiting for a big hug! She was wearing a very familiar night gown that she wore often. Long sleeved white cotton nightgown with big pink and purple hearts on the entire piece and the bottom was gathered in elastic. I yelled out "KEELY!" and I grabbed a hold of her and hugged her as tight as I could and just cried as I told her how much I missed her. It was so real and I felt so happy. Tears of Joy as I woke up crying. It felt so entirely real even as we embraced in a dream hug.
So a few weeks ago I went back to sleep one day after Shae caught her school bus. I'm not sure why but it was after being awake and going back to sleep I was more aware of what I was dreaming. My most recent dream of Keely was that she was here but I knew it was only for a little while, like I had her for only a few hours or a day or something but I knew she would be gone again. In all of my dreams she never speaks but she is always smiling. She still had SMA but I didn't care, I could see her pretty little face and it was as real as I'll ever feel her again. I remember walking into a room and she was laying in a small bed that was raised up high like it was made solely for her. In my dream I felt my heart rate increase at the sight of her and not in disbelief but the feeling of anticipation that I had her just for that extra moment....like a moment that you are so happy your sad and you cant speak a word so you cry tears of joy. It's an emotional high. I felt this when I seen her and I picked her up as fast as I could and I held her as tight as possible, like I was never going to let her go. She was so happy to see me but she also looked at me as though she never went a day without seeing me.....she had her normal "excited to see her mommy" happy face. I always held her with her head laying or looking over my shoulder and in my dream I grabbed a hold of her and said in tears "Mommy misses you so much Keely I just want to hug you forever!" I could feel the exact way she felt when I held her and I held the back of her head as her little cheek pressed into my shoulder and I swayed back and forth and just squeezed her as tight as I could to feel the biggest hug ever given! I rocked her back and forth as I hugged deeply and repeated over and over "I miss you SO much Keely".  I remember during this long dreaming embrace I held her hand in mine. She had the little most petite hands and I would always hold her entire little fist into mine and just hold it. I knew this dream wasn't going to last forever but the feeling felt dreaming and holding her filled a little bit of my soul. I could still feel her touch and feel the way it always felt when I held my baby girl in my arms. The feel of her head resting on my shoulder and of her little cuddly body in my arms filled and broke my heart all at the same time. I awoke from my dream in this very moment of her nuzzling into me. At first I felt happy that I dreamt of her and I thanked her for coming to visit me. Shortly after I began to cry because I just miss her so darn much and want her back to hug and touch her everyday. For the rest of that day I felt overwhelming feelings of sadness because for a short moment, in a dream I felt like I had her back just to wake up to her gone...like many other days. I explained to Scott in tears how I LOVE dreaming about her and I never want to stop, but yet I wake up and feel so heartbroken because I want her here with me. If ever I feel I tinge of happiness there's always a sting of pain right behind it. But at the end of the day I choose to dream.....it's all I have other than sweet memories.

"I think we dream so we don't have to be apart for too long. If we are in each others dreams, we can be together all the time." - A. A. Milne ....Winnie the Pooh

Sweet Dreams My Girl xoxo Mama