Another Christmas without you....

We just had our 2nd Christmas without Keely. It never gets easier. I miss enjoying Christmas. I enjoy it with my family and love seeing the smiles on their faces but I miss the joy of Christmas. This joy I'm missing isn't just at Christmas though, it's all year round but harder on holidays with Christmas being the worst. We lit Keelys Christmas candle to show her presence. Everyone thinks of her throughout the day and mentions her. This year Shaely spent the night at her dads on Christmas Ever to wake up and spend Christmas morning with him. Low and behold Scott and I has the flu and spent Christmas Eve in bed. I feel Keelys presence in the eagle I seen flying above me while thinking of her of course 4 days ago, then I had on of the most beautiful dreams about her 3 nights ago. I miss her, I wish she was here running around excited for Santa, ripping open her presents. I seen so many things for her while I was out shopping. Strawberry Shortcake popped out at me everywhere or Mickey or Minnie Mouse and I would just play the hot dog song in my head. It's very hard not to buy something for her, I suppose I could but it would only be an empty feeling not being able to see her reaction, even at her age when she was here she would be excited to see something we bought her or a gift someone else bough her.
For now we have her little pink tree with 40 little white lights with butterfly ornaments, cupcake ornaments, stars from the coping centre and our new hope ornaments, anything that reminds us of her. We miss her and we can only dream of what Christmas is like in heaven.

Merry Christmas our pretty little angel! Xoxo Mommy & Daddy

Happy 3rd Birthday Sweet Angel

This is our cute, silly little girl on her 1st and only birthday in December 2010.

Its that day again (or should i say week) that I sit, cry, wonder, remember but most of all Dream of what it would be like to have my little girl here. Three years old and running about. Us chasing her, playing, laughing and just what she would look like. The unfortunate theory of it all is I am left sitting here only wishing and hoping for all of these things that mothers experience everyday, and I am left with empty, weightless arms. The things I would give and do to have Keely back and all I would like to do is have a party with her. We will celebrate in our own little way, of course it wont be the same. I wonder all year long how should we honour or celebrate this day. It is such a special day for us all with many wonderful memories from the day she was born and her 1st birthday. Last year it was one of my most painful days. I have to sit and wonder what my child looks like, what are her little quirks and silly things she would be doing to make us laugh, all the stories on a day to day basis I could share amongst my friends and family. We never got to celebrate her sitting up, crawling or walking. We found many other things we greatly appreciated like seeing her smile, make a sound, giggle, but again simple things people take for granted everyday. That what we had and thats what we took and seeing those things made many special moments. What I would give just to feel her touch, touch her or see a little smile or her big beautiful eyes...simple things. How does it ever get easier?As the day drew near all I could feel was an empty, hollow feeling, i guess this is the feeling you feel when a piece of you is missing. Ive only felt it since Keelys been gone. My mind and my body only  know what is ahead, I can try to keep as busy as possible leading up to the day but this hollow, empty feeling invades. I ve realized tears and missing her isnt going to bring her back. I still cant wrap my head around the fact that she is gone from my arms forever let alone celebrate her when shes not here. We will do it and we will always remember it but there will always be a huge piece missing in the day.
We will have our cake and put a sparkler on top and watch it slowly burn out. There is no one to blow the candle out and just like last year as it burns down I will cry my tears as only a mother can do when her child is gone.  We will decorate our Christmas tree and her little pink tree in her special corner. We will send some balloons to heaven for her little hands to reach out and grab and hope she gets our messages we each write to her. And most importantly its an annual holiday in our home so our little family will all be together remembering our favorite little girl.

I hope in years to come I will one day find joy on her birthday. For now I will hold my memories of my little girl so close and cherish them as much as i can and sit and just imagine those little piggy tails bouncing about, with those big beautiful eyes and gorgeous smile that we created.

Happy 3rd Birthday our little angel. Enjoy your birthday with your two papa's this year! Love you SOOO SOOO much.



Keely & Papa

Keely & her Papa on the day she was born December 14, 2012
 

On November 23rd 2012 Keely's Papa Hill joined her in Heaven. As difficult as it is losing another family member so important to our lives its brings some comfort in knowing that Keely now has her Papa with her everyday and she is being well taken care of. During Keely's time here her papa wasnt in the best health and neither was she. I now picture them spending time and playing together like they both never could while here on earth. When the two of them were still here he would stop in for a little visit to see Keely. She would be laying on her spot on the couch and she would hear our door chime ring and could hear him come in and would listen carefully as she would sit and listen to his footsteps approach her. She would be happy to see her Papa. He would come in and yell "Keely, Papa's here to see you, wheres that little girl?" He would sit on the couch and talk with her and she as Keely always did contently listened and watched. As we sat bedside Donnie's bedside during the end of his life I found myself wondering often if she was near and waiting for him. In our tradition when the end of a life is near we are told our ancestors and loved ones who have passed come for our loved one. I pictured Keely in her little traditional dress of brown and pink with her little pig tails skipping along and waiting to give her papa big hugs and kisses. He always missed Keely after she passed, he would not (or better yet could not) speak of her to often. I could tell he was always very sad and it was very difficult for him to think of her gone. Last Christmas we printed off a picture of Keely and Jordan when Keely was about 2 months old (prior to diagnosis) and made it into an 8x10, framed it and put a little plate on the bottom that read "Our Namesakes, Jordan Donnie Miles Hill & Keely Louise Hill" and we gave it to him for Christmas. When he opened it, he cried like the day he did when he seen her for the first time lying in her casket. He made us all cry, that day he reminded me that I wasnt the only one that missed her, not having to say anything at all but just sharing tears of remembering her. Tears are words that cannot be spoken, and that moment alot was said.
Keely now has her papa to walk beside, holding hands, and together they can spend the time together that I couldnt even spend with her doing the things she can now do. I picture her in her papa's arms and they are both smiling. Neither one of them would ever be well on this earth and together they are in Heaven. She is going to be well taken care of <3 How Beautiful Heaven must be!

Jordan Donnie Miles Hill & Keely Louise Hill

"The longest life is short and the shortest life is miraclous" - Joseph Gallagher