Home was never the same.....

On June 7th 2011 at around 11:30pm Keely left home for the very last time. She was having some difficulties on that evening and I will admit I thought she was going to pass away at home, I had not seen her in such distress and as her mommy it was tough to see her that way. I could care for her on a daily basis for her routine medical needs no problem, it eventually just became part of our everyday normal. It's when you realize in a moments time with the drop in her oxygen levels, her not being able to stay awake and her breathing distress is increasing that your not a nurse or a doctor, your just a mother....it is then that the weight of the world is on your shoulders to do what you can to save your infant daughters life until the ambulance gets there. I wanted to be by her side to comfort her in case she passed then and there but at the same time I have to get all her machines ready to go, talk on the phone to 911 and her pediatrician to find out what I should be doing because I remembered I did not remember asking to be a doctor. Of course I did what I had to do and I did it to the best of my abilities at all times. We were saved by the ambulance once again and the moment we walked into McMaster the weight of the world was lifted off my shoulders and I was allowed to just be a mommy again! That's all I ever wanted and their were times (few and far between) It was a relief to just throw my hands up in the air and hand the responsibility of Keely's life to someone else's hands. Sometimes things just became to scary for me and I didn't want to be responsible for her death. Imagine that.....you bring a precious, innocent little girl into the world already knowing that you will love and protect her her whole entire life. What you don't expect is when you become responsible for keeping her alive. Somehow I managed, somehow I put my fear and anguish aside because my little girl needed me. To this day I still don't know how I did it but I do know I would have done it for the rest of my life.
Our family at MAC always took such great care of all of us. What I loved the most is when I walked through those doors I was just a mommy and they took care of the rest. Not even realizing the stress I was under until the following day of admission I couldn't even step on my left foot without getting a sharp stabbing pain in my head and my shoulder, it was all the stress coming out of my body as this extremes load was taken from me and back in the hands of the professionals.
I never suspected June 7th would be the last time Keely would have been home with us. By the time she got to the hospital things had settled and she remained somewhat stable but still not knowing which way things were going to turn but we always had hope. Keely always surprised everyone and no one would dare say what they thought would happen. Keely made the rules and we watched, prayed and followed her lead. At this time she went from 8 hours off bipap (non invasive breathing machine) to 4 short 15 minute breaks a day, with oxygen always nearby....it was a big change in her requirements and a change in her reserve. This wasnt Keelys normal baseline but no matter what I always remained hopeful that things would change for the better because I'd seen her do it so many times prior. I would get down and discouraged at times for sure not being able to lock the worst but she could pull me out of that.... she was still here and she still had lots of smiles and laughs and was still making everyone laugh, this was our Keely and she always kept us hopeful.
I think of this night and following day from last year that I remember so vividly. It breaks my heart remembering how scary it was and how helpless i felt for my baby girl but I remember also feeling proud at how much courage and fight she had and how she made the rules as we fought just as hard right beside her. Very bittersweet moments as she was still here with us but it's also been traumatizing. How do you still hope for your child to be here with you but yet not want to see her suffer anymore? Our home and family has never been the same since she left home that night. We still shared smiles and lots of laughs over the next few weeks following this. Remembering this day she left it never crossed my mind that she wouldn't come home. We always found happiness with Keely, there were dark times and June 7th was one of them but miraculously again she proved us wrong over the next few weeks......

"Happiness can be found even in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light" author unknown

Love you Bunns and we miss you everyday, every minute and every second! Xoxo Mommy