3 Entire Months

So three entire months have now passed and lately the pain of losing Keely has been stronger and more prominent than ever. Sometimes unbearable and so raw that im frustrated and angry because theres nothing I or anyone can do to fix it. Sometimes i think its crazy that I will never see, hold or touch Keely again and almost all the time unbelievable. Until I have to sit and convince myself that this is real and the next time I see her is when I leave this earth. And thats when the raw emotion hits and things become unbearable. Losing your baby puts your life in such a fog and you become stuck in a rut. A rut of emotions, hurt, anger, sadness, empty and hollow. Every single emotion that you never want to feel, but instead of feeling one of them you feel all of them at their full potential. To once have something so perfect and special enter your life and be fullfilled as babies often do and then have it all taken away in the blink of an eye and then try to move on with your life, its surviving the impossible. How are you supposed to have a positive outlook on life when the unimaginable has happened? Ive said this before as time gets further away I feel further away from Keely. Since I last touched her, hugged, kissed and held her beautiful little body, I dont ever want to forget that feeling of her touch and her smell. As time goes by it scares me that I will forget the feel of my lips on her chubby little cheek or her perfect little lips, right now I can still remember and feel what that felt like and I want to remember it forever. I have hundreds of pictures and videos to watch and rememeber but nothing will ever be the same as holding her in my arms or staring in her face. She was the most happiest baby I have ever seen, and not just because she was mine, because I showed her as much love as i possibly had inside me and it showed in her spirit. I deserved to have that baby girl but I dont think I deserved to have her taken away from me. There isnt a day that goes by that I dont look into the sky and notice at some point along the day how beautiful she makes it look, I never remember the sky being so beautiful in all my life as i do now. I hope you are happy where you are Keely and I hope you are being well taken care of by Nana just like I know she would. Mommy misses you beautiful face and beautiful beautiful smile. Sending you kisses Love Mommy xoxoxo