21 Months

Today our Keely would have been 21 Months. Although she will be 18 months forever in my mind I can picture her growing and getting bigger with each month that passes. I try to hold her so close to my heart and imagine just for a little while what she would be doing and what new things I could have taught her to do. The older I think she would be the more my heart breaks and smiles at the same time. I can picture it and I can see it but I just cant feel it. I am at a time in my grief where I am angry because i lost my little beautiful girl and the simple things like holding her and touching her and watching her smile are what I long for each day. I remember holding her every single day and just thinking to myself and actually saying to her Im going to hold you, hug you and kiss you every single day over and over again with hopes that I will have my fullfillment of love, hugs and cuddles when shes gone but it still wasnt enough. I can still feel how it was for me to prop Keely up on my shoulder and she would just love to rest her chin and head on my shoulder and I would hug her and squeeze her so tight I felt like she would sink into me. Sometimes I smiled because it felt so good that we could hug and neither one of us grew tired from it and sometimes i would cry because I never knew when this would be my last hug, or simply cry because it felt SO beautiful. I hugged her after she passed away, I put my baby up on my shoulder one last time, rested my face against hers and I hugged her for as long as they would let me and I kissed her lifeless body knowing this would be the last time I held her in my arms and got to hug her like I did everyday for 18 months and 16 days. To never be able to do that again gives me a pain no mother would ever want to bear. A pain that even I cannot handle even after everything ive been through. No hugs will ever compare to the hugs Keely could give and how she allowed me to hug and squeeze everyday without getting even a little bit annoyed.
You can love your child and hug and kiss that baby every single day but you will always still long for more. I lived each day i could to the fullest with her and it still doesnt seem like enough and feels like there should have always been more. I have been robbed of so many things with my daughter that its hard to see others marvel in their childs happiness. All i have are memories and pictures in a frame. I put on her baby lotion and can smell her and immediately start to cry or I touch her little clothes and picture her in them and what she looked like in a certain outfit and cry again. The things I used to once smile about and would kiss her all over her little body because she smelled so good or smile because she looked so precious in a little outfit I now cry about because Ive been robbed of the little things that I adored in each and every single day with her. Im supposed to have her here for her turning 21 months and counting down the days when she turns 2 and Im supposed to be having a yard sale and selling all her baby clothes that are too small because shes growing so fast we need bigger ones; but instead im sitting here crying and writing on a blog that is commorated to her life  at 21 months, her spirit and the death of her and instead im holding on to every single piece of clothing that once touched her body and has a memory because its all I have left of her. I dont get to run outside and play with her on these summer to fall days with her new little fall coat on because she is in heaven and im on earth wondering how im going to deal with the pain of not having her in our life. Today my heart if filled with sadness like every other day and all these little milestones like turning 21 months. I will always celebrate these milestones in somberness and hold onto all of the little things.
We hope all of your very special friends at McMaster PCCU enjoyed their little gift today to remember you at 21 months today <3
I miss my baby every single minute of every single day. The pain is just as unbearable as they day we said goodbye and I will forever walk with a huge hole in my heart as I continue to live this life without the most precious gift I was once given. I know that heaven has been made that much more beautiful with my Keely there and how lucky heaven is to have her. Forever in my thoughts love you my little Bunns xoxo