Leaving Home Without You

Scott and I went on our first little getaway since Keelys been gone. Only for a few days but we still had to leave home, I still had to get away from where im comfortable and sleep somewhere that is unknown. We took little weekend trips often whether it be just the two of us, or with all the kids or just Scott, I and Keely, she came everywhere with us. We need these little trips away from home just to be in a different environment and to reconnect as a couple but the hardest thing is I still feel like im leaving Keely. Home is always where we were and stayed so in a way I feel like i even further away if thats possible. I always pack a picture with me of her and I and set it up where ever we settle so I can always see it. Most times when I miss her I can go in her room and hug a toy she loved or hug one of her blankets. Its still hard to realize at times that all I have are memories and that I can think about her and laugh, smile or cry anytime I want but then the painstaking feelings come to me that I'll never see her again. We stayed at a beautiful bed and breakfast in the little quaint town of St. Jacobs. At this point I could never handle the hustle and bustle of a full out vacation just something at our own pace and our own times. Something quiet and relaxing when I need it to be. St Jacobs is full of all these little shops and full of laid back members. We went in and out of shops, a few little different restraunts and bakeries and of course there were small little children in every direction that I looked. Look at it this way. I think of Keely I would say every moment I get the chance to think, everything I see reminds me of her whether it be a butterfly stained glass picture, a brown teddy bear with a pink bow, a strawberry shortcake baby quilt or even just the look of a little girl or baby. I see a little soft pink sweater with a little hood and a ribbon tied in a bow at the front and I cant buy it for my daughter or that little brown teddy bear with a pink bow that would make her smile so big when I showed it to her and when she would touch its softness. I have been robbed of all of the little things that some parents may take for granted. Keely has been robbed of all of the little things that make up her childhood and just being able to be my little girl. Every shop we went into this past weekend there were so many things that reminded me of her. To the point where I just had to stop going near baby things because all I wanted to do was cry. Not knowing what bereaved parents look like in a crowd of people or the feeling a bereaved parent feels is invisible. When seemingly so its invisible. No one can see your carrying the weight of the world on your shoulders, bricks in your pockets and on your feet. Maybe I dont smile like some people do in public places because I feel like crying all the time and I could come off as rude. Maybe im not the converstionist I once was or the happy mother who felt like she had everything she ever needed in life and im pretty show this all can show up on my face or maybe it can all be hidden by a fake smile. You couldnt spot a bereaved parent in a crowd unless you could see their insides which would be broken and shattered.
The thought of being able to go away means Keelys not here and we dont have to be here with her. That makes it sad. Anything to put a smile on my face for a minute I think makes Scott feel like his doing a great job as a partner and as a daddy. With all of this being said and having to constantly fight each day for a glimmer of happiness we had a nice time and I am so very thankful to have a selfless and supportive partner and i know Keely would be so proud of her daddy taking such good care of her mommy. I couldnt ask for a better person in our life. 
Our trip wasnt the same without  you Keely but we did the best job we could. We talked and thought about you the entire time and felt sad and happy at different times. Love you baby girl forever and ever xoxoxo

When I See You Again

 This is a song by Emerson Drive. I used to pick Keely up and dance with her to this song when it came on the radio or CMT. I can still feel how happy she used to be when we danced, she would rest her head on my shoulder and I could always hear her humming or feel her smiling. It always felt like we could just stay like that forever because she never grew tired of being held and she especially loved me to pick her up and dance with her. Now when I hear this song dancing with her is all I can think of.....but I cant.......
I just imagine these words when I see her again and what it will be like. She will be showing me around heaven one day.


I still talk to you whenever im alone

I hear you in my prayers, feel you in the wind that blows

I wonder how you are? what your doing way up there?
Are you laughing or are you crying cause you miss us all down here.
Only God knows when you'll smile and take my hand
when I see you again.

I wish I had the chance to hold you one more time


It hurts me to know we never got to say goodbye

But you never really gone, your memory remains
I miss you more than words could ever help me to explain
Only god knows when
This road I'm on will end and I'll see you again.

I'll see you when the sand runs out
When the song is over and the curtain falls down
I'll see you on the other side
And you can show me what its like


but only god knows when
you'll smile and take my hand
and 'ill say how have you been
when I see you again


(Luckily enough for me I got to say goodbye, some people dont)
Mommy & Daddy Miss you everyday Keely Bunns xoxo



Our Happy Little Girl



3 Entire Months

So three entire months have now passed and lately the pain of losing Keely has been stronger and more prominent than ever. Sometimes unbearable and so raw that im frustrated and angry because theres nothing I or anyone can do to fix it. Sometimes i think its crazy that I will never see, hold or touch Keely again and almost all the time unbelievable. Until I have to sit and convince myself that this is real and the next time I see her is when I leave this earth. And thats when the raw emotion hits and things become unbearable. Losing your baby puts your life in such a fog and you become stuck in a rut. A rut of emotions, hurt, anger, sadness, empty and hollow. Every single emotion that you never want to feel, but instead of feeling one of them you feel all of them at their full potential. To once have something so perfect and special enter your life and be fullfilled as babies often do and then have it all taken away in the blink of an eye and then try to move on with your life, its surviving the impossible. How are you supposed to have a positive outlook on life when the unimaginable has happened? Ive said this before as time gets further away I feel further away from Keely. Since I last touched her, hugged, kissed and held her beautiful little body, I dont ever want to forget that feeling of her touch and her smell. As time goes by it scares me that I will forget the feel of my lips on her chubby little cheek or her perfect little lips, right now I can still remember and feel what that felt like and I want to remember it forever. I have hundreds of pictures and videos to watch and rememeber but nothing will ever be the same as holding her in my arms or staring in her face. She was the most happiest baby I have ever seen, and not just because she was mine, because I showed her as much love as i possibly had inside me and it showed in her spirit. I deserved to have that baby girl but I dont think I deserved to have her taken away from me. There isnt a day that goes by that I dont look into the sky and notice at some point along the day how beautiful she makes it look, I never remember the sky being so beautiful in all my life as i do now. I hope you are happy where you are Keely and I hope you are being well taken care of by Nana just like I know she would. Mommy misses you beautiful face and beautiful beautiful smile. Sending you kisses Love Mommy xoxoxo