Leaving Home Without You

Scott and I went on our first little getaway since Keelys been gone. Only for a few days but we still had to leave home, I still had to get away from where im comfortable and sleep somewhere that is unknown. We took little weekend trips often whether it be just the two of us, or with all the kids or just Scott, I and Keely, she came everywhere with us. We need these little trips away from home just to be in a different environment and to reconnect as a couple but the hardest thing is I still feel like im leaving Keely. Home is always where we were and stayed so in a way I feel like i even further away if thats possible. I always pack a picture with me of her and I and set it up where ever we settle so I can always see it. Most times when I miss her I can go in her room and hug a toy she loved or hug one of her blankets. Its still hard to realize at times that all I have are memories and that I can think about her and laugh, smile or cry anytime I want but then the painstaking feelings come to me that I'll never see her again. We stayed at a beautiful bed and breakfast in the little quaint town of St. Jacobs. At this point I could never handle the hustle and bustle of a full out vacation just something at our own pace and our own times. Something quiet and relaxing when I need it to be. St Jacobs is full of all these little shops and full of laid back members. We went in and out of shops, a few little different restraunts and bakeries and of course there were small little children in every direction that I looked. Look at it this way. I think of Keely I would say every moment I get the chance to think, everything I see reminds me of her whether it be a butterfly stained glass picture, a brown teddy bear with a pink bow, a strawberry shortcake baby quilt or even just the look of a little girl or baby. I see a little soft pink sweater with a little hood and a ribbon tied in a bow at the front and I cant buy it for my daughter or that little brown teddy bear with a pink bow that would make her smile so big when I showed it to her and when she would touch its softness. I have been robbed of all of the little things that some parents may take for granted. Keely has been robbed of all of the little things that make up her childhood and just being able to be my little girl. Every shop we went into this past weekend there were so many things that reminded me of her. To the point where I just had to stop going near baby things because all I wanted to do was cry. Not knowing what bereaved parents look like in a crowd of people or the feeling a bereaved parent feels is invisible. When seemingly so its invisible. No one can see your carrying the weight of the world on your shoulders, bricks in your pockets and on your feet. Maybe I dont smile like some people do in public places because I feel like crying all the time and I could come off as rude. Maybe im not the converstionist I once was or the happy mother who felt like she had everything she ever needed in life and im pretty show this all can show up on my face or maybe it can all be hidden by a fake smile. You couldnt spot a bereaved parent in a crowd unless you could see their insides which would be broken and shattered.
The thought of being able to go away means Keelys not here and we dont have to be here with her. That makes it sad. Anything to put a smile on my face for a minute I think makes Scott feel like his doing a great job as a partner and as a daddy. With all of this being said and having to constantly fight each day for a glimmer of happiness we had a nice time and I am so very thankful to have a selfless and supportive partner and i know Keely would be so proud of her daddy taking such good care of her mommy. I couldnt ask for a better person in our life. 
Our trip wasnt the same without  you Keely but we did the best job we could. We talked and thought about you the entire time and felt sad and happy at different times. Love you baby girl forever and ever xoxoxo