Tiny Angel

Tiny Angel rest your wings
Come sit with me for a while.
How I long to hold your hand,
And see your tender smile.
Tiny Angel, look at me,
I want this image clear
That I will forget your precious face
Is my biggest fear.
Tiny angel can you tell me,
Why you have gone away?
You werent here for very long
Why is it you couldnt stay?
Tiny Angel Shook her head,
"These things I do not know...
But I do know that you love me,
And that I love you so."

2 Whole Months........

An entire two months has passed since we kissed our baby girl, hugged her, told her it was okay to leave us and watched her as she passed away in our arms. Its been two whole months since the worst day of my entire life. As I sit here and try to recollect the last 60 days of my life without Keely I sit here and cry and wish I could have her back. I think for one more hug or kiss or just to see her smile and her beautiful big eyes and I feel powerless. The one thing in my life i didnt have control of was saving her and keeping her healthy on this earth. Ive done things to the best of my abilities and that still wasnt good enough. SMA took her and left me here with a hole in my heart. I imagine frequently what she looks like and what it is shes doing. I always picture her with her little reddish brown pig tails bouncing up and down while shes doing little hops on big fluffy clouds, shes running and jumping and her voice will be the sweetest little girl voice. She was buried in a brown and pink traditional dress with white and pink ribbon outlining the bottom with little pink rose buds in the centre. I invison her doing this in that little outfit with tiny, soft billowy wings. I do imagine her happy and smiling and I like to think shes not missing me, the thought of her looking for me or wanting me breaks my heart, I hope for her sake she looks down and smiles upon me. I know she probably sees me crying all the time and I also like to think she doesnt want me to be sad. But I was gifted and given the most beautiful baby I could ever imagined and shes been taken away from me. All I have left are her things, her bedroom and my memories. I may be a little selfish but for right now thats not good enough. I miss her beautiful face, her happy smile, her most gorgeous eyes that everyone fell in love with but most of all I miss her touch, cuddles and hugs.....I miss her little body...her beautiful little body that is now one of the most beautiful angels in heaven. Ive heard a few times before that Heaven is exactly what you picture it to be, whenever it is my time to enter heaven I hope Keely is the first one that I see, that will be heaven to me. My world was a better place with having Keely in our lives and she has made heaven just that much more beautiful. xoxo Love & Miss you my Keely girl.

Summer

Its now August 26th. It was 8 weeks yesterday, 57 days today and 4 days away from being 2 months since we said goodbye to our Keely and since I last got to hold her in my arms and kiss her beautiful face and look into her beautiful eyes. Thinking back to that day makes me feel sick and feel so much pain, the day I had to tell her it was okay to go, the day I had to tell my baby girl she could die. Its hurtful as the days pass and these 8 weeks, 57 days are getting further away since the last time i touched and hugged her. Our entire summer has flown by and even though shes not here I still want time to stand still as if she still were. I dont want the days to become further and further away since we said goodbye. We have pictures surrounding us in every room of the house of her and ive had to keep some of her things in plain sight because its all i have left of her other then my heartache and memories. Summer once meant something to me, it used to be my favorite time of the year. I no longer have one now, I will always be reminded that when school ends and summer starts that we had to say goodbye then struggle to get through life without you. It hasnt been much of a summer in fact, I spent most of my days at home, in my bedroom crying and trying to sleep so I didnt have to think. We always have a summer vacation and of course I knew it wouldnt be the same without Keely but we have to continue life for our other children who are also dealing with the loss of their sister. As hard as this was and is we have to push our own pain aside because as parents you cannot be selfish. There were days Ive had to bottle up my feelings because our children needed me. Its tough to put on a happy face when your broken inside. Austin, Shaely & Jordan have put their lives on hold the past 13 months since Keelys diagnosis. And not one time did they complain that things werent fair or that they werent getting the attention they needed. They knew their sister needed extra care and attention that could only be given by us. A summer vacation was the last thing on my list and the furthest thing from my mind. Things could have been alot more difficult if they felt as needy as they should have been.  We felt like we owed it to them to give them a summer vacation and time away from our home. A special friend to us lent us their cottage for the week and we decided that would be a perfect thing to do. Something relaxing for all of us. I couldnt possibly have done anything that we had done with Keely prior as everything is to fresh. The cottage was right off the beach so everyday we got to sit and stare out onto the water. The water went for miles and the only thing it met was the sky. I sat and watched daily the heaven meet the earth. I never found the water to be as peaceful as it was that week. Everynight we would see a beautiful sunset and the moon over the water and some nights the sky full of stars. You dont realize how much these gifts of mother nature come into factor until someone you love becomes a part of mother nature. I seen a shooting star as im sitting outside crying because I miss Keely so much and my first thought isnt that "nice theres a shooting star" my first thought is Keely sending me signs to let me know shes close to me saying "Im okay mommy" along with something beautiful to look at. Ive never in my life found so much comfort in the wind, the sound of water, the moon, the stars and a sunset as much as I did in that week. I cried everyday on this vacation. During the week we entertained the kids and packed alot of stuff into the week. We went swimming, played tennis, drove around the little cottage community, listened to bands, attended a few family events, played on the beach, went to niagara falls for 1 day and the most magical was the butterfly conservatory. We were together as a family all going through the same motions of trying to be happy and continue life without one of the most important people in our family. Keely had beautiful colored butterflies hanging over her head each night as she went to sleep and throughout her bedroom. From the day she was born to after she passed butterflies have been a huge significance to us. The butterfly signs we received shortly after she passed, during her funeral and many times after are all reminded of her. We step into the conservatory and barely inside the doors a big butterfly comes and lands right on the top of Scotts head and sits there for about 10 minutes. As it opens its wings its presence enough is heartwarming but the bright blue color it presents is breathtaking. Of course it reminded us of Keely as she always needed her daddys attention so what else would she do but sit on his head. It made us all laugh and we stood and watched, Keely sure was in love with her Daddy. After it retired from Scotts head it flew onto my arm and sat there for a bit then flew onto my chest  like It was giving me a hug. We hadnt even made it past the doors and this pretty little butterfly was requiring all of our attention and made us all smile and laugh just like Keely did on a daily basis when she was here. We know she had a hand in this because it was just like her and her silly little ways. Every single one of us enjoyed the conservatory and all left with smiles on our faces, it was just what we all needed. At the end of our vacation Scott decided to run into town the morning of the day we were leaving and said it was a surprise. We packed, we cleaned and got the truck loaded up to come home. Just before we were all to get into the vehicle he said everyone come down to the beach. He pulled balloons out of the back of the truck, 4 colored balloons and a big yellow mylar happy face balloon. We walked down to the beach all with our balloon in hand and stood in a circle. It was a beautiful sunny day and the beach was quite full with people playing games, relaxing and swimming. Scott tells us that he woke up in the middle of the night thinking about Keely and how much he missed her and was upset. To honor her on our vacation because she couldnt be here with us he wanted to send her some balloons (she LOVES balloons) from us all. We all stood in a circle and one at a time we all said something we missed about her then released our balloon. I was crying the entire time and I said that I missed holding and hugging her, Keely had the BEST hugs and it was one of her favorite things I did too. It was a bittersweet moment for me as it made me happy we were doing something she loved and I pictured her getting the balloons but yet I it was unfair she couldnt be with us on our vacation running around playing in the sand and splashing in the water. The balloon release was so beautiful, peaceful and magical and was the perfect way to end our vacation in honor of our Keely. We stood there and watched the balloons until they disappeared. There were only a few clouds in the sky and the sun was bright and beautiful that day. We hope she got the balloons or at least seen them.
Missing her so much and trying to live without her is difficult. XOXOXO Our little Bunns

Sunset at Sherkston

Same night on the other side of beach

Butterfly on Daddys Head (Really its Keely)

When she opened her wings...so Beautiful

Jumps to Mommy

Butterfly Hugs

End of Our Vacation & Balloon Release

All our Balloons going up to Keely in Heaven.....

Keely

The World Doesnt Stop For My Broken Heart

One entire month has passed since Keely has left me. The pain and the hurt is like nothing else along with the unforgotten emptiness. My many memories of Keely I have that I will treasure for the days, weeks and years to come. Her physical absence is what i suffer from. Each day I had with her I lived to the utmost fullest which has made it harder now to let go and move forward. Here I am sitting here thinking about Keely non stop each minute of everyday while all around me the world is still spinning and moving forward. People go back to work, back to their life, back to their families and become somewhat normal for them again. Everybody cares and everybody carries the loss of Keely but nobody witnesses the emptiness and the physical pain i have been left with. I was left in my own abyss to try and move forward with a hole in my heart. I feel like im trapped inside a snowglobe and looking out watching the world revolve around me, while in the meantime im standing still inside with this lonely secluded feeling of people standing, staring inside at me. Rather than it being a beautiful snowglobe to look at, its a trapped world where nobody wants to be. Each new day has to begin and end no matter how I am feeling. When Keely passed my world ended and came to a screeching hault and I just assumed the rest of the world would have done the same thing. Then I leave our home and realize people on the outside are moving, happy, laughing and enjoying their lives while I feel like I am just a hollow substance with bricks for feet, not even walking through life anymore just dragging my painful feet and this automatically secludes me back to my snowglobe. It makes me want to be back at home in our dark, motionless house. I want the world to just stop moving and recognize that our beautiful, innocent, precious Keely has left this earth and it cannot go on the same without her here.
I realize one day my life will slowly take the course of moving forward but it wont be without my first thought being of her as I awake and when I lay down to sleep each night. I will eventually have to go back to work and I cant fathom how I will be able to work and carry her loss each and every single day and get anything accomplished. Things that once meant something to me are nonetheless as important as they once were. This hole in my heart will always remain in tact and never shrink in size but one day apparently I will build important, meaningful things around it to soften it. The day I see my Keely again is when that hole and void will be filled and all my pain will have vanished!
Love & Miss Our Little Keely Bunns every single minute of every single day xoxoxo Mommy Loves You Bunns!!