May 30th will be 11 entire months that Keely has left us. One month away from one whole year without our baby girl. I'd like to say some time has passed and things are getting easier but that has not been the case at all. The last month in itself has been really tough now that its time to "relive" alot of painful memories. Memories no mother should ever have to remember of their child. As June 30th approaches i feel a pang of anxiety every single day. How do you relive a nightmare year after year? With summer and nice weather upon us for some reason it adds more pain. I waited for nice weather last year to take Keely outside and it never happened, my biggest wish was to take her for a walk outside....something so simple, one of the little things . It wasnt alot to ask for but it never happened, she became sick and spent the last two months of her life in the hospital fighting. Sunny days sometimes hurt the most.
Yesterday I watched a few videos for the first time from our video camera and felt anxiety, hurt, sadness and even a small ounce of joy and managed a slight smile through my tears. Unfortunately im still not sure if it helped or made me hurt more. I watched as each blink of her eyes I could see her very long eyelashes flutter, as she did all her silly little quirks that made us all laugh, as she waved with her hands as we told her to wave goodbye and her approach to stop and think when we asked her to say "dada". All things people take for granted of and i sit and watch it on a video camera wishing I could reach in and touch. One part Shaely was holding her hand helping her give the camera the peace sign and I could still feel what her little fingers felt like and how it felt to help her open her hands to hold someting or make a gesture. I want all of that back. It was very difficult to watch the videos but at the same time I sat there and thought how very thankful I was to have them and know that their there any time I want. It doesnt mend anything but I hope one day they will be easier to watch with a sharp pain in my heart.
Everyday there are constant triggers & reminders. Losing my daughter is something I wake up to on a daily basis, its not something I remember or need reminders of....i open my eyes and am already exhausted before my feet even hit the floor and am exhausted. I dont watch television because there is nothing but baby/toddler commercials on all geared to "stay at home moms". A simple diaper commercial, a new toy that I know Keely would have loved, all things that make day to day living unbearable. Daytime tv for me is no longer a part of my life unless its been pre-recorded and can be fast forwarded (if only life could work that way). Life has left a bitter taste in my mouth.
I read a quote today that said "Dont be so quick to judge me, you only see what I show you" I found this quote to sum up a big part of my life at this time. I feel like people in general have always waited for a reaction to someone who is hurting, been hurt, someone who is going through something and being a bereaved mother i too have fallen into this category. In order to feel normal in my own world I have to show people what they would like to see. If this includes wearing a mask that shows a smiling face and laughter then this is what it will be just so I can feel "normal" in my own world. Unless you are a bereaved parent or have been amongst one you will never know what this feels like and I hope that you never have to. I can only and am only in my most normal, comfortable state when I am alone. It is and has always been very comfortable for me to speak of Keely and to hear others mention her name. She is always on my mind and I will never feel uncomfortable. People do not realize that this is my life and my normal, I wake up a bereaved mother and I go to bed a bereaved mother, there is no forgetting. Lately whether I am sitting at home or driving in my car thinking of a happy or
painful memory is a daily job. I can take myself back to that place and time and just ...Remember. Its as if I close my eyes and i can turn my thoughts into a screen, a screen that I can watch and playback whatever I want. Most time I dont get to choose what I see but the feeling of it is always there. Alot of this takes me back to the day Keely passed away. The hardest thing was walking out of the PICU to let our family know she was gone and the feeling of walking out of the hopsital and driving home without her. The haunting sound of the laneway chime and door chime as people pulled into our house and walked through our doors because they were coming to be with us in our time of need. Or even how peaceful she looked as I layed her down out of my arms for the very last time. Within seconds im in tears, no matter where I am or whose around, I can still feel that deep, heavy pain only now its without the shock and numbness to protect my head and my heart. The longer Keely has been gone the more I want her back. The farther I feel im getting from her the sadder I am. It still feels like a nightmare and most days its hard to belive this is my life and that this has happened to us.
I will ALWAYS be grateful for the 18 1/2 months I shared with an angel. I will also always have a piece missing from my heart and I will ALWAYS feel that pain. Nothing will ever replace our Keely girl. As we face this upcoming month to Keelys angel date on June 30th its going to be a tough one. Already having gone through what most would think is the worst, now we have to try and continue our lives without her and thats not easy after once having her. We are forever broken.
"We are most alive in those moments when our hearts are concious of our treasure" - Thorton Wilder
Thinking of you and missing you everyday Bunns xoxo Mama
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| Some summer photos of 2010 Keely in her first and only bathing suit |
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| This is how she slept most times, always made us smile and still does :) |
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Watching a movie together. Keely was always very content chilling with her big bro and big sis |
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