Keely Louise Hill ~ Beautiful & Graceful: Turning 2 In Heaven

10 days ago on December 14th at 11:24am Keely would have been 2 Years old. A little 2 year old who should have been wearing a little party dress, running around, opening presents, trying to blow out 2 candles on her cake then digging in it once she was done then rubbing her eyes and crying from such a busy day. Instead on her 2nd birthday there was no little girl here to celebrate it, we had to celebrate what should have been our daughters 2nd birthday without her and honor the day she was born as best as we could. From an excruciating night before her birthday just realizing that there would be no birthday party to celebrate and not being able to accept it to a 1/2 hour sleep the night of her birthday to trying to find ways to and energy to honor her short life. The unfairness of not being able to celebrate your daughters 2nd birthday is excruciating, unacceptable and painful. The entire day I felt as if it was the day she died. The pain I felt of not having her here was raw and everybit real. I fell asleep in the morning for 45 mins and while I was asleep I dreamt of her it was short and vivid but I woke up to not wanting to believe it was real. Like a punch to the stomach as I awoke without her here still. Most would think after almost 6 months of someone being gone from your life you somewhat adjust to the idea but mine just keeps getting more painful and unacceptable. The longer shes gone the more you want her back, the further away time gets from her passing you want time to stop so your not so far away from her memory. So for our daughters 2nd Birthday we spent the day remembering, wanting to honor her life is best as we could but none of it was the same because she wasnt here. I spent the day wanting her. Ive heard birthdays were hard that most of the anxiety you felt was the days leading up but once the day got here it wouldnt be that bad. Well my day was bitter, excruiating, painful and sad. It was far worse than my own expectations, it was Keely dieing all over again. Trying to remember the day she was born and what she looked like as I held her in my arms for the first time remembering how much she looked like her daddy, her little dimples in the exact same spot as her daddys and how she cried little a little lamb very soft and quiet and simply just how perfect she was. Thinking these beautiful memories did not bring a smile to my face though it brought so much pain it was almost unbearable. My tears and crying no longer release my pain, my pain has now become frustation, anger and sadness that no one can fix or put a bandaid on. It is so raw that sometimes all I can do is scream and breakdown because no one can take it away. Theres a huge part of me that went with Keely when she died and its so painful. Its like trying to explain the pain of childbirth to someone whos never had a baby, absoutely unimaginable. We wanted to do so many things to honor Keely on her birthday. We planned the hospital visit to all our mcmaster family, a visit to her special spot, me and the kids baking a cake for her birthday, a balloon release. As I knew the day was approaching I couldnt sleep which left me sleeping from only 2:30am-3:00am. The only thing we could muster up for the day was decorating the tree, we couldnt cook, I could barely eat without an appetite and we had to get someone to pick up a cake. We bought a little puppy and gave it to the kids the morning of her birthday, knowing that Keely would have loved the puppy and to give it on her birthday will always hold some significance as we watch him grow each year. It was the most emotional day. Just like the day she was born 2 years ago it was cold, gloomy and rainy, the exact day as you were born. Lighting her candle at 11:24am with her picture and our little ceramic baby angel that sits at our dinner table to look over all day just gave us this warm presence of her as the candle burned the entire day with her smiling picture beside it, thats as close as we got to having her here with us. We took as much pictures on this day as we would have took if she was here actually being able to celebrate her birthday. It was the longest day yet in the past 5 1/2 months. We didnt add candles to her cake just one single sparkler. We turned the lights out and watched it burn down to nothing, there was no one to blow out the candle and no one to sing happy birthday to, just one small sparkler that burned out when it had no more to give. I cried as I watched the sparkler burn out knowing that to would end and realizing it wasnt going to last long, once it was out the room remained dark and quiet with tears coming down my face again realizing how unfair this day is without our little girl. I wished that entire day I could see our happy little girl running around celebrating her second birthday, I can picture it so vividly in my head and see her smiling face but I cant feel that happiness in my heart only pain.
Im sure you had the most beautiful birthday party in heaven. Real stars not sparklers, real rainbows not just colorful icing and real angels not a ceramic one.

I just imagine how much more wonderful our life could have stayed if she stayed. The lives she touched at such a young age and the impact she had on so many. The world needed her and so did we. I wonder everyday why God would take such a beautiful happy soul. Is it because heaven needs to be more beautiful? Is it because he only takes the best? I will never know but I do know that I love that little girl so much and would give anything to have her back. For 18 months and 16 days she enriched my life and taught me things that no speaking adult could ever. I learned things with my heart and with my eyes. I seen the most beautiful gift of Gods creations and now I live with the wonderment of why he would give me something SO beautiful and SO precious just to be taken away? Keely was definately a special gift and I was born with love in my heart because I was promised her.

If roses grow in heaven lord, pick a bunch from me
Place them in my daughters arms and tell her there from me.
Tell her I love her and miss her
And when she turns to smile
Place a kiss upon her cheek and hold her for awhile.
And can you tell her Happy Birthday
And that her mommy misses her so
Tell her that its more than anyone will ever know
I know shes always with me
I feel her everyday
But my life has never been the same
Since the day she went away

LOVE AND MISS YOU MY LITTLE BUNN BUNN. Big Huge Kisses and Hugs from Mommy xoxo