Its Been A Blue Christmas Without You

Its been 6 months today at 2:20pm that our little girl passed away in our arms and grew a pair of angel wings. 6 months since ive seen her big beautiful eyes staring back at me and 6 months since i held her, touched her, kissed her, hugged her and told her goodbye. We just finished up Christmas, it was a huge hurdle to get over. After having our month of December go from one of the most special months of the year to one of the hardest months to have to face. Christmas is such a commercialized holiday thats made out to be this joyful, happy time for all to celebrate when in the depths of it all its forgotten and not recognized that there may just be some families out there that its not so joyful for. It is not recognized nor is it mentioned in all of the commercials, store shopping signs, radio, tv or movies that it could very well be the saddest month for any loss at all but far most for bereaved parents. I guess your just supposed to put on your rose colored glasses and be joyful like the rest of the world. There is nothing joyful in losing your daughter in June and having to celebrate Christmas without her 6 months later. Most people would think that with 6 months gone by things should be a little easier and that the pain has eased. Well, it only gets harder. Its the exact opposite of losing someone that lived a fullfilling life, in time you eventually except that it was their time to go. When its your child theres no exception, theres no fullfillment of life, all there is is this big empty hole and you wonder each and every day after that child is gone how your going to get through your day and all the days after that. Six months later the fog lifts here and there, when it does the pain is so raw that its unbearable. It hurts to move, it hurts to cry and its impossible to smile. Six months later your still wondering how it can be real, how its possible your going to live your life without ever seeing her again. Its still unbelieveable, my head and my heart cannot reconcile together what is going on. My heart is so broken and so dismantled and my head is so confused and frustrated and the only thing that tells me Keely is not here is my eyes and my arms. I cannot see her or hold her and trying to convince myself thats the way its going to be for the rest of my life is unbearable and unimaginable. Going through this Christmas was a little taste of what the rest of our life is going to be like. It was our first Christmas without her and its not going to be our last. Two years ago she was 10 days old on Christmas, last year we celebrated her first birthday 10 days before Christmas and this year it was a month of pain for us all. Shopping was the most hardest this year. There seemed to be babies everywhere, its seems as though the number of babies has quadrupled probably because I was missing mine so much. Seeing so many things that would have been the perfect gift for Keely and not being able to buy them was painful. Sometimes so painful I would have a little breakdown right where I was standing, or having left the store only to realize 15 minutes later that we cannot buy anything for her and how unfair that is then having this huge burst of pain strike over me and only being able to cry about it. I shopped for Keely but it wasnt the kind of shopping a mommy of a two year old little girl would like to do. Instead I shopped for the perfect Christmas candle and the perfect pillar to set it on and how about ribbon to tie around the pillar to make this be her Christmas candle that will last the next 3 to 5 years after being burnt all day in her honor. Lighting a Christmas candle on Christmas morning in honor of our 2 year old little girl and letting it burn all day just to feel a sense of closeness to her. Who would have though that a little tiny flame on these special holidays could do so much. We also bought a little 4 foot pink tinsel tree to put in Keelys corner with 40 little pink lites and each individual bulb or butterfly unique because it remindes us of her. While I was looking for this tree and a few little decorations to add to it in Walmart I found myself thinking how awful is it that im not in the toy section shopping for little toys for her for Christmas? How unfair is it that I am looking at decorations to add to our house just to feel a presence of our little girl that should be here for Christmas. As I stand in the isles looking for the perfect tree and decorations I am beside myself in grief and tears because it is so unfair that this is the way I have to celebrate Christmas for her. I should be in the toy section thinking how perfect the new dancing Elmo might be or how she would love to be playing a  little instrument or dancing to some toy that makes music. Instead im standing in an isle crying so hard and uncontrollable because life is so unfair sometimes. Once Keelys tree was up in her little corner where all her toys used to sit when she was with us and where her little white casket sat when we brought her home after she died, Christmas was as complete as it was going to get for me. It was beautiful just like her! It was everyones favorite decoration in the house. It was time to have our first Christmas without everyones favorite little girl.Were lucky to have 3 of the most understanding children surrounding us and without them we probably wouldnt be where we are today. Theyve kept us going when we didnt want to and pulled us up when we didnt think we could. They all loved their sister very much and miss her just as much as we do. Keely also loved them and knew that each one of them were special, you would see it in her eyes and her smile when anyone of them were around. At this point any living I am doing right now is for our children. As tough as it is to move on and parent they still need us just as much, they need us to realize that they are worth living for. So this past Christmas we had to trek forward for what we owe our kids for the past 2 years. It wasnt easy but seeing them smile and the joy they still had after such a difficult year gave me a tiny bit more strength. I know if Keely was here this Christmas she would have been happy, no matter what the little girl was going through or how she was feeling she always had a smile on her face. I hope one day I can learn that from her. She never liked to see me cry, If I was crying she was either still smiling or looking at me and knowing something was wrong, it always made me pull myself together and be strong for her. So on Christmas day thats what I tried to do, for our kids, for her and for Scott. I think I owed it all to them as hard as it was. Before our presents we all took a few minutes of peace and quiet to just remember her and think of her memories. I pictured her laying on the couch chewing on her presents like she was last year. When it was her turn to open her present we would put a little hole in the paper to help her, she would take her little finger and bend it at the tip and try to pull at it as best as she could with a big huge smile on her face. She knew she was trying and she was proud of herself. Thats what I pictured. What they do in heaven on Christmas I have no idea but I bet its beautiful and I bet she was making everyone smile. She would have had help from Nana and cousin Paula this year but maybe she was helping them rip presents open now that she can. Our Christmas morning as difficult and sad as it was without our beautiful girl was serene and happy. The kids were so thankful for everything and the smiles on their faces and the love that filled our house that day was all because Keely touched each of our lives in her own little way. After all the presents were open I had a little surprise for everyone. I got individual pictures made for each of our bedrooms. In big, black beautiful frames that added just the perfect touch to each photo I got a picture of each of the kids holding their sister blown up in black and white. The looks on their faces when they opened them were amazing and that filled a tiny portion of the huge hold in my heart for just a minute. I got the biggest hugs from each and everyone of them and that made me feel whole that day. I also got one done for me and Scotts room of the three of us, we cried as it was opened. I cried just seeing how beautiful it was and felt the pain of only having a picture in a frame for our room but it was a beautiful picture <3. Scott cried to, just silently, I didnt ask what he was feeling but I would imagine because it was so beautiful. After months of wondering how my Christmas was going to be it came and it went, there was an emptiness in the day. As painful as it was to see our family cry at dinner because we all miss her it warmed my heart that everyone remembers and misses her just as much as me. Sitting and realizing the beautiful little family that surrounds me everyday gives me so much to be thankful for, I am thankful everyday for such an amazing partner and beautiful children. We all have to figure out how to live without Keely and we will do it together as a family. Keely has brought us all closer and taught us all so much.


                                                                  Our Christmas Pictures

Austin & Keely

Jordan & Keely

Shaely & Keely

Mommy, Keely & Daddy

We all love and miss you every single day baby girl. We wish you could have been here this Christmas, Big huge hugs to you love Mommy, Daddy, Big Brothers and Big Sister xoxo

Turning 2 In Heaven

10 days ago  on December 14th at 11:24am Keely would have been 2 Years old. A little 2 year old who should have been wearing a little party dress, running around, opening presents, trying to blow out 2 candles on her cake then digging in it once she was done then rubbing her eyes and crying from such a busy day. Instead on her 2nd birthday there was no little girl here to celebrate it, we had to celebrate what should have been our daughters 2nd birthday without her and honor the day she was born as best as we could. From an excruciating night before her birthday just realizing that there would be no birthday party to celebrate and not being able to accept it to a 1/2 hour sleep the night of her birthday to trying to find ways to and energy to honor her short life. The unfairness of not being able to celebrate your daughters 2nd birthday is excruciating, unacceptable and painful. The entire day I felt as if it was the day she died. The pain I felt of not having her here was raw and everybit real. I fell asleep in the morning for 45 mins and while I was asleep I dreamt of her it was short and vivid but I woke up to not wanting to believe it was real. Like a punch to the stomach as I awoke without her here still. Most would think after almost 6 months of someone being gone from your life you somewhat adjust to the idea but mine just keeps getting more painful and unacceptable. The longer shes gone the more you want her back, the further away time gets from her passing you want time to stop so your not so far away from her memory. So for our daughters 2nd Birthday we spent the day remembering, wanting to honor her life is best as we could but none of it was the same because she wasnt here. I spent the day wanting her. Ive heard birthdays were hard that most of the anxiety you felt was the days leading up but once the day got here it wouldnt be that bad. Well my day was bitter, excruiating, painful and sad. It was far worse than my own expectations, it was Keely dieing all over again. Trying to remember the day she was born and what she looked like as I held her in my arms for the first time remembering how much she looked like her daddy, her little dimples in the exact same spot as her daddys and how she cried little a little lamb very soft and quiet and simply just how perfect she was. Thinking these beautiful memories did not bring a smile to my face though it brought so much pain it was almost unbearable. My tears and crying no longer release my pain, my pain has now become frustation, anger and sadness that no one can fix or put a bandaid on. It is so raw that sometimes all I can do is scream and breakdown because no one can take it away. Theres a huge part of me that went with Keely when she died and its so painful. Its like trying to explain  the pain of childbirth to someone whos never had a baby, absoutely unimaginable. We wanted to do so many things to honor Keely on her birthday. We planned the hospital visit to all our mcmaster family, a visit to her special spot, me and the kids baking a cake for her birthday, a balloon release. As I knew the day was approaching I couldnt sleep which left me sleeping from only 2:30am-3:00am. The only thing we could muster up for the day was decorating the tree, we couldnt cook, I could barely eat without an appetite and we had to get someone to pick up a cake. We bought a little puppy and gave it to the kids the morning of her birthday, knowing that Keely would have loved the puppy and to give it on her birthday will always hold some significance as we watch him grow each year. It was the most emotional day. Just like the day she was born 2 years ago it was cold, gloomy and rainy, the exact day as you were born. Lighting her candle at 11:24am with her picture and our little ceramic baby angel that sits at our dinner table to look over all day just gave us this warm presence of her as the candle burned the entire day with her smiling picture beside it, thats as close as we got to having her here with us. We took as much pictures on this day as we would have took if she was here actually being able to celebrate her birthday. It was the longest day yet in the past 5 1/2 months. We didnt add candles to her cake just one single sparkler. We turned the lights out and watched it burn down to nothing, there was no one to blow out the candle and no one to sing happy birthday to, just one small sparkler that burned out when it had no more to give. I cried as I watched the sparkler burn out knowing that to would end and realizing it wasnt going to last long, once it was out the room remained dark and quiet with tears coming down my face again realizing how unfair this day is without our little girl. I wished that entire day I could see our happy little girl running around celebrating her second birthday, I can picture it so vividly in my head and see her smiling face but I cant feel that happiness in my heart only pain.
Im sure you had  the most beautiful birthday party in heaven. Real stars not sparklers, real rainbows not just colorful icing and real angels not a ceramic one.

I just imagine how much more wonderful our life could have stayed if she stayed. The lives she touched at such a young age and the impact she had on so many. The world needed her and so did we. I wonder everyday why God would take such a beautiful happy soul. Is it because heaven needs to be more beautiful? Is it because he only takes the best? I will never know but I do know that I love that little girl so much and would give anything to have her back. For 18 months and 16 days she enriched my life and taught me things that no speaking adult could ever. I learned things with my heart and with my eyes. I seen the most beautiful gift of Gods creations and now I live with the wonderment of why he would give me something SO beautiful and SO precious just to be taken away? Keely was definately a special gift and I was born with love in my heart because I was promised her.

If roses grow in heaven lord, pick a bunch from me
Place them in my daughters arms and tell her there from me.
Tell her I love her and miss her
And when she turns to smile
Place a kiss upon her cheek and hold her for awhile.
And can you tell her Happy Birthday
And that her mommy misses her so
Tell her that its more than anyone will ever know
I know shes always with me
I feel her everyday
But my life has never been the same
Since the day she went away

LOVE AND MISS YOU MY LITTLE BUNN BUNN. Big Huge Kisses and Hugs from Mommy xoxo



December 14th 2010....Our Big 1 Year old. Lots of flower delivers that day!




Blowing out her 1 and only birthday candle. One of my most cherished pictures <3




Our tuckered out birthday Girl! Busy day for this big, strong girl!