The Bereaved Mother

In 15 days it will be two whole years that I've been a bereaved mother. Two years that some days feel like 2 days or 20 years to the bereaved mother. In whichever case it doesn't ever feel like the actual reality of what it really is. Prior to becoming a bereaved mother myself but knowing one day I would be I couldn't actually comprehend what it would be like. I know I felt scared, actually terrified is more like it. I felt like it was the unimagineable, that it would be dark, like I would not live through it, I just could not put myself down that dark path. I would think back to prior years maybe even before I had children of how scary that would be for a mother to lose her child. Even as a woman with no children it was still a fear of mine but something I thought I would never have to worry about because that kind of stuff just doesn't happen. I feared for other women.
 I remember reading a book After I had my first born, Shaely. Shaely was about 5. It was called Mourning Ruby. It was a book I bought at Chapters for $5.00 and without even reading what it was about I grabbed it, I read just about anything then. As I read it talked about this little girl Ruby, she was about 6 or 7 in the book and got to know her character well and her mom. One day Ruby gets hit by a car and passes away. I remember sobbing reading it. In the book after she died it goes on and explains in great detail of how her mother felt. I think Iread only able to ready 2 chapters after and I just couldn't read it anymore, it was just something I couldn't face with having had my own child.
After Keely's diagnosis I knew one day I was going to be that bereaved mother. And I always wondered what she looked like. I thought back to women I knew had once lost a child no matter what the age of a child was I thought about them. I remember watching a few and thinking to myself wow I can't believe she just smiled or she's showered and out in public. I couldn't wrap my head around how they were doing it. Again it was the unimagineable and how was I going to live.
On August 27th 2010 I almost became a bereaved mother, suddenly!! Keely had became very sick and the doctors told us she had 12 hours to live, they did not think she was going to make it. Thinking of my poor baby girl and that she already had to experience death was my first thought and thinking how I wasn't ready for this so soon. I thought at I would die rig along with Keely. Fortunately Keely pulled through that night and many nights following. We did stay at the hospital for 3 months following this and this is where I met some women who are what I will one day be.
Knowing Keely had a terminal illness everyday I felt there was some way I had to prepare myself for her death. Having to witness it was a whole other story (my biggest fear) but having to prepare was something I thought could be done. the first bereaved mother I met since knowing I would one day be was our social worker. Upon our first meeting this woman walked in to our room, introduced herself and gave us a big smile and of course paid most of her attention to Keely (which I hate to brag but everyone did). I received a warm, inviting feeling from her. I liked her instantly, we all did. She was going to help us through this whole process. After about spending a half an hour with her she shared with us that she had lost her daughter at a young age. Unknown if she noticed my reaction I was floored. I couldn't really believe what I was hearing as I felt like the only mother on earth at the time who would have ever have to say goodbye to her child. Immediately I thought, she does not look like a woman who has lost a child! She's beautiful, she's smiling, she has makeup on, her hair looks great and she was beautifully dressed. Hell this woman showered and actually works! I honestly couldn't believe this woman was a bereaved mother because she is not what I pictured one to look like! I pictured me daily on what I would be like once I became a bereaved mother. Thought I would never be able to eat again because I would feel so terribly sick all the time from my pain and heartbreak, I thought I would never stop crying EVER, I'll never wear makeup again or have my hair done and I don't even care about what I wear. I remembering saying one time to a bereaved father "how are you not curled up in a ball in the corner wasting away to nothing?" he too was also well dressed, showered and looked normal. I couldnt wrap my head around how these people were doing it. I asked the most personal questions just so I could try to get an insight into their reality. I couldn't put what I was seeing and what I was thinking into any type of perspective. I cherished these people. I would look at this woman and she would give me hope that I could one day be her or something close. I heard her story, I felt her pain and I took that and carried that with me hoping one day I too could be like her. She was an inspiration to me as she was everything that I didn't think a bereaved mother could be.
On June 30th 2011 at 3:20pm I became a bereaved mother. That day I witnessed my child's death. I said goodbye to her and to her future. No parent should ever have to experience their child's passing. In a year and a half I watched her take her first breath and her last. I also watched all the breaths she struggled between that. I witnessed first hand the circle of life in my very own child.  I now know what a bereaved mother looks like, feels like, crys like, sleeps like, thinks like and most importantly hopes like! there's no way I could have prepared myself for what was ahead. I will say its not what I expected.

The Bereaved Mother;

This is what I've learned.....I've never cried so many tears in all my life but I found out its impossible to cry 24/7. I've cried 7 days a week for the past 104 weeks but for short, often periods but eventually I stop.

Tears are like gold. Crying releases some of the daily pain I have inside of me.

I have anger, sadness and pain on a daily basis and each day I wear it like a heavy coat. An invisible coat that only I can feel.

If I'm showered with my hair fixed and makeup on it took a lot of work and sucked the energy out of me.

Getting out of bed is the biggest task. Sleep is an escape and takes you away from your harsh reality.

I have to pretend to be happy and that my daughters not on my mind every single second of everyday to feel normal around others. I hide behind my smile. I am not as happy or "strong" as I come across.

I've learned to not tell people how you really feel when they ask because it makes them uncomfortable.

Nature is much more beautiful to me than it ever was before as that is where I feel my daughter after I returned her to the earth.

I have anxiety when I'm around small children and babies because I constantly wish mine was doing the same things as them.

A butterfly is the most beautiful thing to me next to a bright colorful sunset.

I am thankful for numbness because without it I may have died from a broken heart.

I never know there was an education to grief and it was healthy to cry and share as much as possible.

I will and will continue to talk about my daughter for as long as I live.

I feel like I live on another planet among everyone else because no one gets how I can't get over Keelys death.

Two years later I still take things day by day.

It's a chore to cook a meal and some days even lift your fork eat that meal.

If I clean my house and doing my laundry I feel like a should receive a gold medal, it feels like a huge accomplishment.

I've managed to smile and mean it without feeling guilt but it doesn't come often.  Something I never thought would ever happen.

The pain never goes away you just getting better at dealing with it.

You dont realize you've turned a corner until someone tells you and then you look back and realize you've climbed a mountain.

I sometimes feel like a child again who needs to be taken care of because my heart and my soul are so fragile.

You don't fully heal from the death of a child. I expect to think of her everyday.

I could go on and on and on and on but most importantly I didn't die, yes my heart is shattered completely and throughout the years I will put it back together but even once it's been pieced backed together there will  always be a hole that can never be filled. I will never be the same person as before and I dont want to be. All I want is for people to accept me for who I am now and who I will one day become from this. Looking back I know what I thought a bereaved mother was so now I know what most think or expect to see from me. Shock and numbness play a huge role in the death of a child and without it I would be exactly what I thought I should be not what I am.mbut I can't forget that having a supportive partner by your side who will pick you up and dust you off when needed and who comes home just to make sure your eating and drinking or to check on you and tell you that he loves you helps too. I was given the job for some reason to look after that little girl and live this life and I can't give up now, I'm a person who needs answers and I believe they will come one day.

Thank-You my beautiful angel for choosing me as your mama bear. Xoxo