In Dreams Awake

One thing in the past 18 months I have not been able to find is "Peace". I cannot find peace within my head and my heart to feel at ease that my little girl is gone forever. With that being said throughout this deep dark hole I've been trekking through I have found things like Hope, I've learned to be grateful and thankful. A few things I never thought were possible. When you are broken into a million pieces and nobody can put the pieces back together but you and you alone you find these things again and you realize life isn't over. Mind you these feelings aren't there everyday but to even realize that their is hope, even if it's found or embraced through somebody else's story of loss, or in a book, even if just one other person moving forward that's all the hope you need to keep trekking forward. I am grateful everyday for what I still have and that strength has came from somewhere to get me through 18 months without even barely realizing it but most of all I'm thankful for Scott and our 3 kiddies, if it wasn't for them I don't know where I would be. I've read a quote before "you never know what's around the corner, it could be everything, it could be nothing. You keep putting one foot in front of the other, and then one day you've looked back and you've climbed a mountain" - Tom Hiddleston. This quote puts my past 18 months into perspective. Everyday feels the same, you have no idea how you have gotten to where you are but somewhere behind you, you have climbed this enormous mountain. I don't feel as though I have gotten very far but I know I've moved without even realizing. 
When I talk about Peace I can't wrap my mind on how I can ever find this within myself to be at peace with my daughters death. Everything seemed right, everything seemed like there was a plan and then we hear a terrible diagnosis and then we experience our daughter passing away. As a parent you experience your child here and gone, then your life just continues like it or not. Never really knowing where she is or what she is or better yet why??
Most people take dreams for granted, you figure you go to sleep, you have a dream and then you wake up and that's it! I actually have many of those kinda nights and half the time I don't even remember what I dreamt. The there are times I dream of Keely, it doesn't happen near as often as I would like but it happens. I've shared a few in previous blogs. But every times dream of her it just feels more and more real, I truly believe this is our chance to see one another or a little visit. This could possibly one day bring me some type of peace, even if just for a moment. 

A few nights after the supposed end of the world which I was not the least bit worried about I had this life-like dream.......Scott, myself, Austin, Shaely and Jordan were driving to a hockey game somewhere and as we're driving along I remember the scenery being country, farm like land, any normal Ontarian scenery that any hockey parent would know that has to travel to games. Off in the distance I see these little tornados coming toward the road from the field and there were about 4 of them. I pointed and showed Scott and he sped up trying to surpass them before the reached the road. One made it in front of us and picked up a tractor and truck that were traveling in front of us and threw them into a big farmers field that was on both sides of the road. Next thing we knew a tornado picked up our vehicle, it spun us around and threw us in the field to but we were fine. Again looking off into the distance I noticed this big brown dusting that reached the sky to the ground and realized it was about 100 tornados all clumped into one big one and it was going to basically demolish the world.  In my dream we knew we had some time before it hit us and we all got out of the vehicle where I then noticed many houses in the field all of a sudden, and many people just standing around seeing what was going on. I said to Scott " this is it, this is the end of the world" and he agreed silently. As we all walked into this field I looked around and recognized some of the people standing. The field and standing on their porches. Some of these people were there in real life but the more I looked the more I seen loved ones who had already passed. I looked around some more and seen this woman in her 50's standing on a porch of one of the houses holding a little girls hand and they were both looking at me smiling. As I got closer I realized the woman was my cousin Paula who passed away 3 months after Keely passed and she was holding Keelys hand. But this little girl was a little girl of 3 years, and when she seen me she smiled from ear to ear. And without a second thought I knew it was Keely. She had came for us and was waiting for us as she knew the world was ending and she was there waiting. We recognized one another at the same time and I couldn't believe my eyes, in my dream I knew she was passed but she had grown and was not a baby any,ore she was a little girl. She was the height of a 3 year old but I noticed tall for her age, her hair was long and brown down to the middle of her back and a little wavy, her hair was parted in the middle and the top was in two little pig tails off to the side in the front. She had her exact traditional dress on we buried her in and I noticed she had grown to where you could see her little legs sticking out and her white leather moccasins on her feet. She was a grown up little girl. As soon as she spotted me she let go of Paula's hand and ran down the 3 steps of the porch with her arms spread as wide as can be with an ear to ear smile waiting to hit me, I yelled "Keely" and ran toward her. She ran right into my arms and gave me the biggest most tightest hug and yelled "Mommy". We squeezed each other equally tight and it still felt like it did when I would hug her so tight in my arms. I felt the realness of her hug and it's something I miss most and made sure I did everyday. I would just pick her up and hug her so tight with her head resting on my shoulder, it still felt the same only she had the strength to hug me back. And just like all my other dreams this is when I wake up. What's different about this dream though is I haven't stopped thinking about the realness, my little girl grown up, running, talking and just so sweet and innocent. I woke and and told myself, this was real, that this was how she visits me and this is how I'm going to see her from now on. Id much rather it not be a dream but this is as close as it gets and dreams are better than nothing! It was so real and so vivid. She I say most people take their dreams for granted or just brush it off as a dream, I'm one who hopes and wishes to dream because this is as close as I'll be to my child in this lifetime. I'm left with so much sadness after experiencing a dream like this because it just makes me want her here for real but then I realize it's better than nothing at all.
Thank-you for the visits baby girl xoxoxoxoxoxoxo

"Our truest life us when we are in dreams awake" - Henry David Thoreau